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Longh. But what would you do, if you were in my place, Dr. Doubty?

Doubt. It is uncertain, as all things are.
Longh. But what do you advise me to do?
Doubt. What you please.

Longh. I shall go mad.

Doubt. I wash my hands of it. Longh. A plague on the old dreamer! Doubt. Happen what will, I am clear. Longh. I'll make you change your cuckoo note, you old philosophical humdrum, you[beats him-I will-beats him] I'll make you say somewhat else than "all things are doubtful; all things are uncertain,”—[beats him] I will, you old fusty pedant. Doubt.

Anxiety.

Affectation.

Anxiety. Indiff'rence

Vexation. Indiff'rence

Anger.

Indiff'rence

Paffion.

Ah!-oh!-eh!What, beat a Complaint philosopher!Ah !—oh !—eh !

Longh. Be pleased, Dr. Doubty, [mimicing Mimicry. the Doctor] to alter your phraseology. Your philosophy directs you to give out no decisive propositions, but to speak of all things with uncertainty, and always to suspend your judgment.Therefore, you ought not to say,-"I have been beaten, but I seem to have been beaten."

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Doubt. I will have you prosecuted with the utmost rigor of the law.

Longh. I wash my hands of it.

Doubt. I will shew the marks of the blows I have received from you.

Anger.

Threatning

Indiff'rence

Anger.

Longh. You may imagine a thousand things Indiff'rence in which there is no reality.

Doubt. I will go directly to a magistrate, and Anger. have a warrant for you. [Exit Doubty.]

Longh. There is no natural impossibility in it. Indiff'rence

[Enter CAPTAIN PINKUM, with two swords in

one hand, and a cane in the other.]

Pinkum. Mr. Longhead, I am your most obedient, most humble servant.

Longh. Sir, your servant.

Refpect.

Indiff rence

Refpect.

Vexation.

Refpect.

Vexation.

Refpect.

Pink. Sir, I have the honour of waiting on you, to let you know, that, as you was pleased to disappoint us yesterday, which was the day fixed by yourself for your marriage with my sister, you and I must settle that affair in an honourable way.

Longh. Why, Sir, it is with regret that I failed you; but

Pink. Oh! Sir, there's no harm as we shall order matters.

Longh. I am sorry it so happens : but some little scruples chanced to come into my mind about the difference between our ages, which, you know, is pretty considerable. And I put off the marriage for a little time, only that I might consider of it, and advise with my friends. And now, that the day is past, I think it may be better for us both, that it be let alone altogether.

Pink. Sir, as you please. You know it is not an object of any consequence. But, Sir, what, I have done myself the honour of waiting on you for, is only to beg the favour of you, Sir, to choose which you please of these two swords. Affirming. They are both good, I assure you, Sir, and as fairly matched as I could. If my judgment deserves any regard, you need not hesitate long. Either of them is very fit for a gentleman to be run through with.

Surprise.
Respect.

Long. Sir, I don't understand you.

Pink. O, Sir, I wonder at that. The thing is not hard to be understood. It is no more than this, Sir, that if a gentleman promises a lady marriage, and, especially, if he fixes the day and fails of performing his contract, the relations, of the lady (whose character and fortune in life are injured by it, you know, Sir) generally think it proper to commence a prosecution against the gentleman; and the law gives, in those cases, heavy damages. My father had thoughts of prosecuting you, Sir, as he wrote to you. But as law is tedious,

we choose rather, Sir, upon second thoughts, to vindicate the honour of our family in a more expeditious way. Therefore, if you please, Sir, I will endeavour to whip you through the lungs in the neatest manner now practised in the army. And I offer you your choice of one of these two swords, to defend yourself with. This, you must own, Sir, is treating you genteely. For, you know, I could run you through the body now, without giving you the opportunity of defending yourself. -Please, Sir, to make your choice. Longh. Sir, your humble servant.

I shall

Refufing.

make no such choice, I assure you.

Pink. Sir-you must, if you please, fight me. You shall have fair play, upon my honour.

Respect.

Refufing.

Respect.

Longh. Sir, I have nothing to say to you, [Going] Sir, your humble servant.

Pink. O dear Sir, [stopping him] you must excuse me for stopping you. But you and I are not to part, till one or t'other drops, I assure you,

Sir.

Longh. Mercy on us! Was ever such a bloodyminded fellow !

Pink. Sir, I really have a little business upon my hands; so that I must beg you will give me leave to run you through as soon as possible.

Longh. But I don't intend that you shall run me through at all. For I will have nothing to say to you.

Terror.

Respect.

Refufing.

Refpect.

Pink. If you mean, Sir, that you won't fight me, I must do myself the honour of telling you, that you are in a little mistake, Sir. For the order of such things is this, Sir. First, a gentleman hap- Explaining. pens to affront another gentleman or a family, as you have done ours, Sir. Next, the gentleman affronted, or some one of the family, in order to vindicate their honour, challenges to single combat, the gentleman who did the injury, as I have done you, Sir. Then the gentleman who did the injury, perhaps, refuses to fight. The other proceeds

Respect.

Refufing.

Respect.

Complaint.

Respect.

Complaint.

Refpe&t.

Hafte.

to take the regular course of beating, [counting on his fingers] bruising, kicking, cuffing, pulling by the nose and ears, rolling in the dirt, and stamping on him, till the breath be fairly out of his body, and there is an end of him, and of the quarrel, you know. Or if the gentleman, who happened to do the injury, will fight, which, to be sure, is doing the thing genteelly, you know; why then one or t'other is decently run through the body, and there is an end of the matter another way, you know. Now, Sir, you see plainly, that my proceedings are regular, and gentlemanlike gentleman-like—absolutely. So Sir, once more, and but once more, will you be pleased to accept of one, or t'other, of these two swords? Longh. Not I, truly.

Pink. Why then, Šir, the first step I am to take, you know, is to cane you, which I humbly beg leave to proceed to accordingly.-[Canes him.]

Longh. Ah!-eh !-oh!

Pink. Then, Sir, the next operation is cuf-
fing-no, I am wrong; kicking is next. [Kicks
him.]
Is the devil in you?

Longh. Hold! hold!
Oh! I am bruised all over?

Pink. Sir, I ask your pardon, if I have offended you; I did not mean it, I assure you, Sir. All I want, is to vindicate the honour of our family. If you had fulfilled your contract, you had spared me all this trouble. Besides, I am really pressed for time; therefore must take the liberty of proceeding, as expeditiously as possible, to the remaining operations of cuffing you, pulling you by the nose and ears, rolling you in the dirt, and stamping the breath out of your body. Come, Sir, if you please. Intreating. Longh. Hold a little, pray ;-Oh!-my bones Complaint. are bruised to jelly-Is there no way Intreating. pounding this affair but by blood and murder?

Respect.

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Pink. O yes, Sir. You have only to fulfil Respect. your contract, and all will be well.

Longh. [Aside.] What the deuce must I do? Distress. -I had better be cuckolded, I believe, than trod

to death.-[To him.] I am willing-I am wil- Reluctance. ling to perform the contract.-Oh! my poor bones!Oh!

Respect.
Joy.

Pink. Sir, you are a gentleman, every inch of you. I am very glad to find you are come to a right way of thinking. I assure you, Sir, there Politeness. is no man in the world, for whom I have a greater regard, nor whom I should rather wish to have for a brother-in-law. Come, Sir, the ceremony shall be performed immediately.

LXXVII.

WARNING. BLAMING. COMMEN-
DATION. INSTRUCTION.

The substance of Isocrates' Areopagitic oration,
which is celebrated by Dion Halicarn. Tom.
II. p. 40.

I

Inviting.

DOUBT not, Athenians, but many of you Apology. will wonder what should excite me to address you upon public affairs, as if the state were in immediate danger, whilst to you we seem to be in perfect safety, a general peace prevailing, and the commonwealth secured by formidable fleets and armies, and strengthened by powerful allies, and tributary states, to support the public expences, and co-operate with us in every emergency. All which circumstances seeming to be in our favour, I suppose most of those who now hear me, imagine we have nothing to do but congratulate ourselves on our happiness, and enjoy ourselves in peace; and that it is only our enemies who have any thing to fear.

I therefore, take for granted, Athenians, you do, in your own minds, despise my attempt to

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