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THE

LIFE OF MRS. FLETCHER.

PART THE FIRST.

Her early Life, and Christian Experience.

I WAS born September the first, O. S. 1739, at Layton

stone, in Essex. From my earliest years, I can remember the Spirit of God striving with me, and offering me salvation; but I slighted these most gracious calls, and many times resisted the most tender invitations. One day, from a little circumstance which occurred when I was about four years old, I received such a conviction that God heareth prayer, that it often administered much comfort to me in seasons of trial and danger. Of this I had the greater need, being by nature fearful even to a degree of folly. How much this effeminacy of disposition has cost me, in my Christian warfare, and what sufferings, as well as spiritual loss, I have sustained from it, is known only to my Heavenly Father.

When I was five years old, I began to have much concern about my eternal welfare, and frequently inqui red of those about me, whether such and such things were sins. On Sabbath evenings, my dear father used to instruct us in the church catechism. At those seasons I can remember asking many questions. I wished to know whether any ever did love God with all their heart, and their neighbour as themselves; and whether it was really the command of God that we should do so;

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also if the Bible really meant all it said? It seemed to me that if it did, I was wrong, and all about me in danger ; for there appeared to be a great difference between the description of a Christian, given in the word of God, and those who walk under that name.

As I was a backward child, and of weaker understanding than the others, I was not well read in the Scriptures at that very early age; but sentences out of the word of God frequently occurred to my mind, and made a deep impression, such as, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart. I would answer, but I do not love God at all; I do not know how to love him; and with respect to loving my neighbour thus, I am sure I do not; for though my sister is dearer to me than any body else, I do not love her as well as myself. Again, that word struck me much, St. Paul says, I have fought the good fight; and when I was baptized, the minister said, I was to be "Christ's faithful soldier and servant, and fight manfully under his banner." This amazed me greatly. I thought, I am sure I do not fight, neither do I know what to fight against. But above all, that sentence would follow me, Narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it; and, If ye are not of the world, the world will hate you. I did not feel it a narrow way, neither did the world hate me; therefore I questioned often whether I was not quite out of the way, yet it was not with any terror. I believed if the Lord saw that I was wrong, he would make me right, and sometimes I prayed for it. At other times I was very careless; yet these reflections still dwelt on my mind, and often perplexed me. I frequently asked questions about these subjects, but they were often very lightly treated. Those parts of Scripture were represented as very liable to be mistaken, and that they did not require obedience in all the strictness which I seemed to suppose. This well agreed with my carnal mind, and I thus soon quenched

those tender convictions; so easy is it to drown the soft voice of the Spirit by carnal reasonings.

I now drew the following reflections; If the Bible does not mean all it seems to speak, with regard to the commands of God, certainly the same allowance may be made for its threatenings; so that I began to believe there was no hell at all, or at least not half so terrible as I had been taught to think. This thought raised in me a dislike to the word of God, and great coldness and carelessness throughout all my conduct. But my adorable Lord did not give me up to the hardness of my heart, but still followed me with his drawings. Often I thought, perhaps the Bible does mean what it says, and then, I am not a Christian; and greatly did I wish to know what was the truth. My sister, who was nearly five years older than me, was also under a concern for her soul; she wished to know and do the will of God.

About this time, there came a servant maid to live with my father, who had heard of, and felt some little of the power of inward religion. It was among the people called Methodists she had received her instructions. Seeing the uneasiness my sister was under, she took some opportunities of conversing with her. I was at this season with my grandmother. On my return home, my sister repeated the substance of these conversations to me. I well remember the very spot we stood on, and the words she spake, which, though we were but a few minutes together, sunk so deeply into my heart, that they were never afterward erased. My reflections were suited to a child not seven years old. I thought if I became a Methodist, I should be sure of salvation; and determined, if ever I could get to that people, whatever it cost I would be one of them. But after a few conversations, and hearing my sister read some little books which this servant had given to her, I found out, it was not the being joined to any people that would save me, but I must be converted, and have faith in Christ; that

I was to be saved by believing; and that believing would make me holy, and give me a power to love and serve God.

The servant had now left our family, and we continued like blind persons, groping our way in the dark; yet, though we had so far discerned the truth as to express it in the above manner, I could not comprehend it. My heart rose against the idea of being saved by a faith which I could not understand. One day looking over the pictures in the Book of Martyrs, I thought it would be easier to burn than believe, and heartily did I wish that the Papists would come and burn me, and then I thought I should be quite safe. Yet these troubled thoughts, were mixed with a degree of hope. I thought, God does love me, I believe, after all; and, perhaps, He will show me what it is to believe, and be converted.

When I was between seven and eight years old, musing one day on that thought, What can it be to know my sins forgiven, and to have faith in Jesus? I felt my heart rise against God, for having appointed a way of salvation so hard to be understood; and with anguish of soul I said, if it were to die a martyr, I could do it; or to give away all I have; or when grown up to become a servant, that would be easy; but I shall never know how to believe. In that moment these words were applied with mighty power to my soul,

"Who on Jesus relies, without money or price,
The pearl of forgiveness and holiness buys."

They were accompanied with a light and power I had never known before; and with joy I cried out, I do, I do rely on Jesus; yes, I do rely on Jesus, and God counts me righteous for what he hath done and suffered, and hath forgiven all my sins! I was surprised that I could not find out this before. I had thought every thing easier than to believe; but now I thought the way of believing

more easy than any other. A ray of light into the Gospel plan shone upon my soul, and I began to adore the wonders of redeeming love. But alas! it was but as the drops before a shower; in a few days I lost the power in a great measure,* though not the light of this blessing. I can remember many promises after this, being at times brought to my mind. Something also of a confidence in the Lord Jesus I ever retained, and when fears would spring up concerning the day of judgment, I used to comfort myself with this thought, Jesus is to be the judge, and I cannot be afraid of Jesus. But I had not yet learned that lesson,

"Man for the simple life divine

What will it cost to break?
Ere pleasure soft, and wily pride,

No more within him speak?"

Some time after I had thus by faith "tasted of the powers of the world to come," I fell into an uncommon lowness and weakness of nerves, which was accompanied with grievous temptations. I was oppressed beyond measure with the fear of sin, and accused in almost every thing I said or did, so that I was altogether a heap of inconsistency. This was followed by temptations unspeakably afflicting: It was continually suggested to my mind, I had blasphemed against the Holy Ghost. The consequent effect of these temptations on my temper, drew on me many grievous burdens, and exposed me to so much anger and reproach from my parents, as made me weary of life. It appeared to them that I was obstinate and disobedient; and my flesh has seemed ready to move on my bones, when I have heard my dear mother say, "That girl is the most perverse creature that ever lived: I cannot think what is come to her;' and my heart used to sink like a stone, for I knew not

* She was not favoured at this time with Christian fellowship. She had none to help her in the way of faith. Ed.

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