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January 29. My way is the way of heaviness. There is a weight of sorrow lies on my spirit; I cannot account for it. Others have much joy; I have but little. My dear husband used to express the same thing; but Oh! I did not then understand him. Had 1 but now the advantage of his dear company, how different a use could I make of it I Then I had him to flee to in every trouble, and " Cares by dividing were hushed into peace." Now I remember he used to say, " What others were satisfied with, he was not." And really so it is; for I am sure I have more of God than I had then. And yet I was then quite satisfied very often ;—and had I kept the presence of God, as I now do, I should have called it walking in constant peace. But Oh! I want a clear passage into the heart of my Beloved! I think I can truly say, "I wrestle not with flesh and blood," I feel no temptation to any sin. But I am fiercely attacked with weights of sorrow, and thoughts that like barbed arrows tear my heart.
This day I have covenanted afresh with the Lord, to try what a total abandonment will do. From this day, (four o'clock in the afternoon, January 29,) I abandon myself without reserve, delivering up myself into the hands of God, to the end that He may execute on me His whole will, whether in the way of justice or mercy. I will embrace all sufferings of every kind; though I should see that they are the consequences of my former sins, or present follies. Yea, I am thine, my Jesus, save me! If thou wilt not save me, I am lost for ever t But I will singly trust in Jesus! I will turn to no other for help. I have long tried what creatures could do, but all in vain. Now I will renounce all reasonings— all reflections on my state; and only fix the eye of my soul on Jesus, always content with what thou givest me, Lord! though it should only be a bare remembrance of thy presence, and an alacrity to meet thy will; and this Thou dost give. The strongest desire of my soul isf that Thy will may be done in me.
I was blest to-day by an observation in a spiritual writer—" Not to come out of abandonment, in the extreme pains through which we pass, is something; but the not coming out of repose in this abandonment, whatever trials we may pass through, in all the rough paths where we may tread,—this it is which is very precious in the sight of God."* Again she observes, " Like as lie who is in a ship moves not himself, but leaves himself to be moved by the motion of the ship in which he is; so the heart which is embarked in the divine good pleasure, ought not have any will of its own, but leave itself to be carried by the will of God."
February 12. This morning, in my hour of prayer, 1 had some sweet glimpses of the all-sufficiency of Christ. He bore the whole weight of my sins before I had committed one; yea, before I was in being He made a full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice, oblation, and satisfaction, "for the sins of the whole world." Again, I had a feeling sense of these words, " He is made of God unto us, wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption." I was led much to cry for a strong and powerful faith, and for deep humility. I find, on reflection, I love to be abased, yea, I embrace contempt as with open arms: but I do not promptly acquiesce, when the trial presents itself. 1 rather start back,t and only embrace it in the
* This high attainment in the divine life may not be easily understood, as expressed by this " Spiritual Writer." The inspired writers express it with the utmost plainness and simplicity. It is indeed the being saved from all self-will, and in consequence, the resting every moment in the will of God. It is thus only we can "rejoice evermore, and in every thing give thanks." The faith by which we are thus saved can only be sustained by "praying without ceasing;1' as Kempis finely expresses it, "To thee is my heart without a voice, and my silence speaketh unto thee!" Such is the victory given by u Christ's dwelling in the heart by faith. Ephesians iii. 17. Ed.
| We ought to feel a repugnance, yea, 41 an abhorrence to that which is "evil." But this should, be attendedwith resignation to the Lord. In this second thought. Therefore, I am not so sunk into Christ as to be fully a new creature. Lord, grant me this, and I shall have an incontestable evidence of what thou hast done!
Feb. 28. Thursday. On Tuesday night, as one was saying, f< I do not desire to look on myself at all, I only j want to look at Jesus Christ, for when I look on myself': I reason." I felt it come with power to my heart, and ever since I have felt a further lift in faith.
April 3. Last Friday Mr. Wesley came. It was a time of hurry, but also of profit above any time I ever had with him before. I could not but discern a great change. His soul seems far more sunk into God, and such an unction attends his word, that each sermon was indeed spirit and life. In preaching on the Trinity, he observed, it was our duty to believe according to the word of God; but we were not called to comprehend :— that was impossible. Bring me, said he, a worm that can \ comprehend a man, and I will show you a man that can j comprehend God, He observed, that if three candles were burning in a room, the light was but one.*
Many answers to prayer I found during the season they were here, and though my body is now too weak for any hurry, yet all was ordered well, and we were carried through with tolerable ease, and every opportunity was blest to my soul.
Yesterday I heard, that dear Mr. Charles Wesley died on Saturday last! O, how often have we, in years that are past, taken sweet counsel together! It has left a deep solemnity on my spirit.
April 11. Last night I felt a peculiar liberty in prayer, in begging for mercy in behalf of my friends in Switzerland. It seems to me it will be answered through my
abhorrence, and in this resignation, "the mind of Christ" principally consists, and they were constantly manifest in the whole of his blessed life and conduct. Ed.
* O that men were satisfied thus to believe, and wait upon the High and lofty One, that they might comprehendt in its glorious effects, the doctrine of the sacred Three! Ed.
nephew. He grows in grace, and at some seasons appears to enjoy very deep communion with God. Q, how shall I praise the Lord for his great goodness and abundant faithfulness to his poor creature!
May 2. I often wish I had more time to attend to my diary: such wonderful answers to prayer are given to me, as ought to be recorded.
u Why should the wonders he hath wrought
May 15, Monday. It is amazing how the Lord answers prayer. I have written letters, (I may say in faith,) about this preaching-house, and have met with success beyond all expectation. If we can but get the ground, all will be well. I do think the whole hundred will be made up before we strike one stroke. On Saturday evening, considering these words, " Nothing shall be impossible to you," I acted faith on the Lord for spiritual blessings,— for that fulness I long for. I prayed that I might have the next day a better Sabbath than common, and so it was. In the morning meeting I found a further degree of resignation, and entire confidence in Jesus; and in that spirit I passed the day, during which I had to encounter such a variety of incumbrances and trials, as were quite uncommon. This encouraged me much. Both Mr. Home's sermons were blest to me, and the noon meeting was attended with an extraordinary power. I find it best to carry every thing to Jesus, and draw all from him, determined to believe that he who hath undertaken my cause will not leave his work imperfect.
June 11. For some days I have had a clearer sight of the perfect Saviour than ever in my life before! I was much blest in considering the type of the brasen serpent. The following observations, as I read them in a book which fell into my hands, made a deep impression on my mind.—First, " It may seem strange, that a serpent should be an emblem of the amiable and dove-like Redeemer ;—but Moses's serpent was void of poison, and had no sting, but was only in the form of a serpent. So 4 God sent his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh/ but an utter stranger to the venom of sin. Again, it was a method of cure solely constituted and appointed of God. Who could have thought that looking at a dead serpent, and of brass, could have cured the bite of a living one! Especially if it be true what some affirm, that the sight of burnished brass is naturally pernicious to those who are bitten of serpents, and that to look on the shape of any venomous creature increases the torment of the unhappy sufferers who are bitten by them. ^ So, the method of our recovery by the cross of Christ, is a device which claims God himself for its divine author: and thus the whole method of Gospel salvation is, ' To them who perish foolishness, but to those who believe, it is the wisdom of God, and the power of God.' —Secondly, it was a method of cure that never failed; being no less sure than strange. Not an Israelite died, as Moses assures us, who looked at the brazen serpent; and who were ever confounded that trusted in Christ ?— Thirdly, it was a method of cure easily put in practice by an Israelite. If he received his wound in a remote part of the camp, and was too ill to draw near, yet if he turned his eye and looked at the serpent lifted up for him, it was enough; he was healed !—Fourthly, it was a remedy that might be repeated as often as there was W occasion for it. So ' Christ is the propitiation for our sins,5 to whom we may warrantably have recourse as often as we are wounded, and in every time of need.— Fifthly, it was a remedy that proved effectual, though the sight of the wounded person was ever so weak. So weak faith is saving in its degree, as well as strong, because the object is the same." I had such a clear view how all our wants were supplied by Jesus as I cannot express. Yes, He has atoned for all our sins; He has " Reconciled us to God while we were yet enemies 1" But we must look to, and trust in him alone; and we may look every moment. The following day, Sunday, as also Monday and Tuesday, I had much outward