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sweet retirement, enjoyed some assistance in prayer, had a sense of my great need of divine help, and felt my soul sensibly depend on God. Blessed be God, this has been a comfortable week to me. Lord's day, July 1. “In the morning, was perplexed with wandering vain thoughts; was much grieved, judged and condemned myself before God. O how miserable did I feel, because I could not live to God! At ten, rode away with a heavy heart, to preach to my Indians. Upon the road I attempted to lift up my heart to God; but was infested with an unsettled wandering frame of mind; and was exceeding restless and perplexed, and filled with shame and confusion before God. I seemed to myself to be “more brutish than any man :” and thought, none deserved to be “cast out of God's presence” so much as 1. If I attempted to lift up my heart to God, as I frequently did by the way, on a sudden, before I was aware: my thoughts were wandering “to the ends of the earth;" and my soul was filled with surprise and anxiety, to find it thus. Thus also, after I came to the Indians, my mind was confused; and I felt nothing sensibly of that sweet reliance on God, with which my soul has been comforted in days past. , Spent the forenoon in this posture of mind, and preached to the Indians without any heart. In the afternoon I felt still barren, when I began to preach ; andfor about half an hour, I seemed to myself to know nothing, and to have nothing to say to the Indians; but soon after, I found in myself a spirit of love, and warmth, and power, to address the poor Indians: and God helped me to plead with them, to “turn from all the vanities of the Heathen, to the living God.” I am persuaded that the Lord touched their consciences; for I never saw such attention raised in them. When I came away from them, I spent the whole time while I was riding to my lodgings, three miles distant, in prayer and praise to God. After I had rode more than two miles, it came into my mind to dedicate myself to God again : which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakable satisfaction: especially gave up myself to him renewedly in the work of the ministry. This I did by divine grace, I hope, without any exception or reserve; not in the least shrinking back from any difficulties that might attend this great and blessed work. I seemed to be most free, cheerful, and full in this dedication of myself. My whole soul cried “Lord, to thee I dedicate myself! O accept of me, and let me be thine forever. Lord, I desire nothing else; I desire nothing more. O come, come, Lord, accept a poor worm. Whom have I in heaven but thee 2 and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.”. After this was enabled to praise God with my whole soul, that he had enabled me to devote and consecrate all my powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in my particular workasa missionary; rejoicedin myne.
cessity of self-denial in many respects; and still continued to give up myself to God, and implore mercy of him, praying incessantly, every moment with sweet fervency. My nature being very weak of late, and much spent, was now considerably overcome : my fingers grew very feeble, and somewhat numb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out straight; and when I lighted from my horse, could hardly walk; my joints seemed all to be loosed. But I felt abundant strength in the inner man. Preached to the white people: God helped me much, especially in prayer. Sundry of my poor Indians were so moved as to come to meeting also ; and one appeared much concerned. July 2. “Had some relish of the divine comforts of yesterday; but could not get that warmth and exercise of faith, which I desired. Had sometimes a distressing sense of my past follies, and present ignorance and barrenness : and especially in the afternoon, was sunk down under a load of sin and guilt, in that I had lived so little to God, after his abundant goodness to me yesterday. In the evening, though very weak, was enabled to pray with fervency, and to continue instant in prayer, near an hour. My soul mourned over the power of its corruption, and longed exceedingly to be washed and purged as with hyssop. Was enabled to pray for my dear absent friends, Christ's ministers, and his church; and enjoyed much freedom and fervency, but not so much comfort, by reason of guilt and shame before God. Judged and condemned myself for the follies of the day. July 3. “Was still very weak. This morning, was enabled to pray under a feeling sense of my need of help from God, and, I trust, had some faith in exercise; and blessed be God, was enabled to plead with him a considerable time. Truly God is good to me. But my soul mourned, and was grieved at my sinfulness and barrenness, and longed to be more engaged for God. Near nine, withdrew again for prayer; and through divine goodness, had the blessed spirit of prayer; my soul loved the duty, and longed for God in it. O it is sweet to be the Lord's, to be sensibly devoted to him ' ' What a blessed portion is God How glorious, how lovely in himself! O' my soul, longed to improve time wholly for God!—Spent most of the day in translating prayers into Indian.—In the evening, was enabled again to wrestle with God in prayer with fervency. Was enabled to maintain a self-diffident and watchful frame of spirit, in the evening, and was jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness and self-confidence.”
The next day, he seems to have had special assistance and fervency most of the day, but in a less degree than in the preceding day. Tuesday was spent in great bodily weakness; vet seems to have been spent in continual distress and great bitterness of spirit, in consequence of his vileness and corruption. He says, “I thought that there was not one creature living so vile as I. O my inward pollution O my guilt and shame before God! . I know not what to do. O I longed ardently to be cleansed and washed from the stains of inward pollution ; O, to be made like God, or rather to be made fit for God to own l’”
July 6. “Awoke this morning in the fear of God: soon called to mind my sadness in the evening past; and spent my first waking minutes in prayer for sanctification, that my soul may be washed from its exceeding pollution and defilement. After I arose, I spent some time in reading God’s word, and in prayer.
cried to God under a sense of my great indigence. I am, of late most of all concerned for ministerial qualifications, and the conversion of the Heathen. Last year, I longed to be prepared for a world of glory, and speedily to depart out of this world; but of late all my concern almost is, for the conversion of the Heathen ; and for that end I long to live. But blessed be God, I have less desire to live for any of the pleasures of the world, than I ever had. I long and love to be a pilgrim; and want grace to imitate the life, labours, and sufferings of St. Paul among the Heathen. And when I long for holiness now, it is not so much for myself as formerly; but rather that thereby I may become an “able minister of the New Testament,” especially to the Heathen. Spent about two hours this morning in reading and prayer by turns ; and was in a watchful tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool my affections, and draw away my heart from God. Was a little strengthened in my studies; but near night was very weak and weary.
July 7. “Was very much disordered this morning, and my vigour all spent and exhausted: but was affected and refreshed in reading the sweet story of Elijah's translation, and enjoyed some affection and fervency in prayer: longed much for ministerial gifts and graces, that I might do something in the cause of God. ' Afterwards was refreshed and invigorated, while reading Alleine's first Case of Conscience, &c. and enabled then to pray with some ardour of soul, and was afraid of carelessness and self-confidence, and longed for holiness. Lord's day, July 8. “Was ill last night, not able to rest quietly. Had some small degree of assistance in preaching to the Indians; and afterwards was enabled to preach to the white people with some power, especially in the close of my discourse, from Jer. iii. 23. Truly in vain is salvation hoped for from the hills, &c. The Lord also assisted me in some measure in the first prayer ; blessed be his name. Near night, though very weary, was enabled to read God's word with some sweet relish
of it, and to pray with affection, fervency, and I trust with faith: my soul was more sensibly dependent on God than usual. Was watchful, tender, and jealous of my own heart, lest I should admit carelessness and vain thoughts, and grieve the blessed Spirit, so that he should withdraw his sweet, kind, and tender influences. Longed to “depart, and be with Christ,” more than at any time of late. My soul was exceedingly united to the saints of ancient times, as well as those now living ; especially my soul melted for the society of Elijah and Elisha. Was enabled to cry to God with a child-like spirit, and to continue instant in prayer for some time. Was much enlarged in the sweet duty of intercession; was enabled to remember great numbers of dear friends, and precious souls, as well as Christ's ministers. Continued in this frame, afraid of every idle thought, till I dropped asleep. July 9. “Was under much illness of body most of the day; and not able to sit up the whole day. Towards night felt a little better. Then spent some time in reading God's word and prayer; enjoyed some degree of fervency and affection ; was enabled to plead with God for his cause and kingdom : and, through divine goodness, it was apparent to me, that it was his cause I pleaded for, and not my own ; and was enabled to make this an argument with God to answer my requests. July 10. “Was very ill and full of pain, and very dull and spiritless. In the evening, had an affecting sense of my ignorance, and of my need of God at all times to do every thing for me; and my soul was humbled before God. July 11. “Was still exercised with illness and pain. Had some degree of affection and warmth in prayer and reading God’s word ; longed for Abraham's faith and fellowship with God; and felt some resolution to spend all my time for God, and to exert myself with more fervency in his service; but found my body weak and feeble. In the afternoon, though very ill, was enabled to spend some considerable time in prayer; spent, indeed, most of the day in that exercise : and my soul was diffident, watchful, and tender, lest I should offend my blessed Friend, in thought or behaviour. I am persuaded that my soul confided in, and leaned upon the blessed God. O, what need did I see myself to stand in of God at all times, to assist me and lead me! Found a great want of strength and vigour, both in the outward and inner man.”
The exercises and experiences of which he speaks in the next nine days, are very similar to those of the preceding days of this and the foregoing week; a sense of his own weakness, ignorance, unprofitableness, and vileness; loathing and abhorring himself; self-diffidence; sense of the greatness of his work, of his great need of divine help, and the extreme danger of self-confidence : longing for holiness and humility, to be fitted for his work, and to live to God, and for the conversion of the Indians; and these things to a very great degree.
July 21. “This morning, I was greatly oppressed with guilt and shame, from a sense of inward vileness and pollution. About nine, withdrew to the woods for prayer ; but had not much comfort; I appeared to myself the vilest, meanest creature upon earth, and could scarcely live with myself; so mean and vile I appeared that I thought I should never be able to hold up my face in heaven, if God of his infinite grace should bring me thither. Towards night my burden respecting my work among the Indians began to increase much ; and was aggravated by hearing sundry things, which looked very discouraging ; in particular, that they intended to meet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then I began to be in anguish : I thought that I must in conscience go and endeavour to break them up ; yet knew not how to attempt such a thing. However, I withdrew for prayer, hoping for strength from above. In prayer I was exceedingly enlarged, and my soul was as much drawn out as I ever remember it to have been in my life. I was in such anguish, and pleaded with so much earnestness and importunity, that when I rose from my knees I felt extremely weak and overcome; I could scarce walk straight; my joints were loosed ; the sweat ran down my face and body; and nature seemed as if it would dissolve. So far as I could judge, I was wholly free from selfish ends in my fervent supplications for the poor Indians. I knew that they were met together to worship devils, and not God: and this made me cry earnestly, that God would now appear, and help me in my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleaded long; and I thought that God would hear, and would go with me to vindicate his own cause ; I seemed to confide in God for his presence and assistance. And thus I spent the evening, praying incessantly for divine assistance, and that I might not be self-dependent, but still have my whole dependence upon God. What I passed through was remarkable, and indeed inexpressible. , All things here below vanished; and there appeared to be nothing of any considerable importance to me, but holiness of heart and life and the conversion of the Heathen to God. All my cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldly nature, disappeared; and were, in my esteem, of little more importance than a puff of wind. I exceedingly longed that God would get to himself a name among the Heathen ; and I appealed to him with the greatest freedom, that he knew I “preferred him above my chief joy.” Indeed, I had no notion of joy from this world; I cared not where or how I lived, or what hardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls