Imágenes de páginas
PDF
EPUB

prayer. At night I saw myself infinitely indebted to God, and had a view of my failures in duty. It seemed to me, that I had done, as it were, nothing for God, and that I never had lived to him but a few hours of my life. April 19. “I set apart this day for fasting and prayer to God for his grace ; especially to prepare me for the work of the ministry; to give me divine aid and direction, in my preparations for that great work; and in his own time to send me into his harvest. Accordingly, in the morning, I endeavoured to plead for the divine presence for the day, and not without some life. In the forenoon, I felt the power of intercession for precious, immortal souls; for the advancement of the kingdom of my dear Lord and Saviour in the world ; and withal, a most sweet resignation, and even consolation and joy, in the thoughts of suffering hardships, distresses, and even death itself, in the promotion of it ; and had peculiar enlargement in pleading for the enlightening and conversion of the poor Heathen. In the afternoon, God was with me of a truth. O, it was blessed company indeed! God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet with perspiration, though in the shade, and the cool wind. My soul was drawn out very much from the world, for multitudes of souls. I think I had more enlargement for sinners, than for the children of God, though I felt as if I could spend my life in cries for both. I enjoyed great sweetness in communion with my dear Saviour. I think I never in my life felt such an entire weanedness from this world and so much resigned to God in every thing. Oh that I may always live to and upon my blessed God Amen, Amen. April 20. “This day, I am twenty-four years of age. ... O how much mercy have I received the year past ! How often has God caused his goodness to pass before me! And how poorly have I answered the vows I made this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord's, to be forever devoted to his service The Lord help me to live more to his glory for the time to come. This has been a sweet, a happy day to me; blessed be God. I think my soul was never so drawn out in intercession for others, as it has been this night. Had a most fervent wrestle with the Lord to-night for my enemies; and I hardly ever so longed to live to God and to be altogether devoted to him ; I wanted to wear out my life in his service, and for his glory. April 21, “Felt much calmness and resignation ; and God again enabled me to wrestle for numbers of souls, and had much fervency in the sweet duty of intercession. I enjoyed of late more sweetness in intercession for others, than in any other part of prayer. My blessed Lord really let me come near to him and plead with him.”

The frame of mind, and exercises of soul, which he expresses the three days next following, are much of the same kind with those expressed the two days past.

Lord's day, April 25. “This morning, I spent about two hours in secret duties, and was enabled, more than ordinarily, to agonize for immortal souls; though it was early in the morning, and the sun scarcely shined at all, yet my body was quite wet with sweat. I felt much pressed now, as frequently of late, to plead for the meekness and calmness of the Lamb of God in my soul; and through divine goodness, felt much of it this morning. O it is a sweet disposition, heartily to forgive all injuries done us; to wish our greatest enemies as well, as we do our own souls | Blessed Jesus, may I daily be more and more conformed to thee! At night, I was exceedingly melted with divine love, and had some feeling sense of the blessedness of the upper world. Those words hung upon me, with much divine sweetness, Psal. lxxxiv. 7. They go from strength to strength, every one of them in Zion appeareth before God: O the near access that God sometimes gives us in our addresses to him : This may well be termed appearing before God : it is so indeed, in the true spiritual sense, .# in the sweetest sense. I think that I have not had such power of intercession these many months, both for God's children, and for dead sinners, as I have had this evening. I wished and longed for the coming of my dear Lord : I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free from imperfection. O, the blessed moment hastens ! All I want is to be more holy, more like my dear Lord. Oh for sanctification My very soul pants for the complete restoration of the blessed image of my Saviour; that I may be fit for the blessed enjoyments and employments of the heavenly world. - “Farewell, vain world ; my soul can bid adieu: “Your SAviour taught me to abandon you. “Your charms may gratify a sensual, mind; “But cannot please a soul for Gon design'd. “Forbear to entice, cease then my soul to call : “'Tis fixed through grace; my God shall be my ALL. “While he thus lets me heavenly glories view, “Your beauties fade, my heart's no room for you.” “The Lord refreshed my soul with many sweet passages of his word. O the New Jerusalem! my soul longed for it. O the song of Moses and the Lamb And that blessed song that no man can learn, but they who are redeemed from the earth 1 and the glorious white robes, that were given to the souls under the altar!

“Lord, I'm a stranger here alone;

“ Earth no true comforts can afford :

“Yet, absent from my dearest one,

“My soul delights to cry ‘My Lord ‘’ VoI, X. 8

“JESUs, my Lord, my only love,
“Possess my soul, nor thence depart:
“Grant me kind visits, heavenly dove; "
“My God shall then have all my heart.”

April 26, “Continued in a sweet frame of mind; but in the afternoon, felt somewhat of spiritual pride stirring. God was pleased to make it a humbling season at first ; though afterwards he gave me sweetness. O my soul exceedingly longs for that blessed state of perfect deliverance from all sin! At night, God enabled me to give my soul up to him, to cast myself upon him, to be ordered and disposed of according to his sovereign pleasure ; and I enjoyed great peace and consolation in so doing. My soul took sweet delight in God; my thoughts freely and sweetly centered in him. O that I could spend every moment of my life to his glory ! April 27. “I retired pretty early for secret devotions; and in prayer, God was pleased to pour such ineffable comforts into my soul, that I could do nothing for some time but say over and over, “O my sweet Saviour ! O my sweet Saviour ! whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.” If I had had a thousand lives, my soul would ladly have laid them all down at once, to have been with HRIST. My soul never enjoyed so much of heaven before; it was the most refined and most spiritual season of communion with God, I ever yet felt. Inever felt so greata degree of resignation in my life. In the afternoon, I withdrew, to meet with my God, but found myself much declined, and God made it a humbling season to my soul. I mourned over the body of death that is in me. . It grieved me exceedingly, that I could not pray to and praise God with my heart full of divine heavenly love. Oh that my soul might never offer any dead, cold services to my God! In the evening had not so much divine love, as in the morning; but had a sweet season of fervent intercession. April 28. “I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, in great peace and tranquillity, spent about two hours in secret duties, and felt much as I did yesterday . only weaker, and more overcome. I seemed to depend wholly on my dear Lord; wholly weaned from all other dependencies. I knew not what to say to my God, but only lean on his bosom, as it were, and breathe out my desires after a perfect conformity to him in all things. Thirsting desires, and insatiable longings, possessed my soul after perfect holiness. God was so precious to my soul, that the world, with all its enjoyments, was infinitely vile. I had no more value for the favour of men, than for pebbles. The Lord was my ALL, and that he over-ruled all, greatly delighted me. I think that my faith and dependence on God, scarce ever rose so high. I saw him such a Fountain of good

ness, that it seemed impossible I should distrust him again, or be any way anxious about any thing that should happen to me. I now enjoyed great sweetness in praying for absent friends, and for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom in the world. Much of the power of these divine enjoyments remained with me through the day. In the evening, my heart seemed to melt, and I trust was really humbled for indwelling corruption, and I mourned like a dove. I felt that all my unhappiness arose from my being a sinner. With resignation, I could bid welcome to all other trials; but sin hung heavy upon me; for God discovered to me the corruption of my heart. I went to bed with a heavy heart, because I was a sinner: though I did not in the least doubt of God's love. O that God would purge away my dross, and take away my tin, and make me ten times refined April 29. “I was kept off at a distance from God —but had some enlargement in intercession for precious souls. April 30. “I was somewhat dejected in spirit: nothing grieves me so much, as that I cannot live constantly to God's glory. I could bear any desertion or spiritual conflicts, if I could but have my heart all the while burning within me with love to God and desires of his glory. But this is impossible : for when I feel these, I cannot be dejected in my soul, but only rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigning power, and will shortly deliver me from the indwelling of sin. May 1. “I was enabled to cry to God with fervency for ministerial qualifications, that he would appear for the advancement of his own kingdom, and that he would bring in the Heathen. Had much assistance in my studies. This has been a profitable week to me ; I have enjoyed many communications of the blessed Spirit in my soul. Lord's day, May 2. “God was pleased this morning to give me such a sight of myself, as made me appear very vile in my own eyes. I felt corruption stirring in my heart, which I could by means suppress; felt more and more deserted ; was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inward trials. May 3. “Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning I withdrew to my usual place of retirement, and mourned for my abuse of my dear Lord ; spent the day in fasting and prayer. God gave me much power of wrestling for his cause and kingdom; and it was a happy day to my soul. . God was with me all the day; and I was more above the world, than ever in my life.”

Through the remaining part of this week, he complains almost every day of desertion, inward trials and conflicts, at: tended with dejeciton of spirit; yet speaks of times of relief and sweetness, and daily refreshing visits of the divine Spirit, affording special assistance and comfort, and enabling him, at times, to enjoy much fervency and enlargement in religious duties.

Lord's day, May 9. “I think I never felt so much of the eursed pride of my heart, as well as the stubbornness of my will before. O dreadful! what a vile wretch I am | I could submit to be nothing, and to lie down in the dust. Oh that God would humble me in the dust! I felt myself such a sinner, all day, that I had scarce any comfort. Oh when shall I be delivered from the body of this death! I greatly feared, lest through stupidity and carelessness I should lose the benefit of these trials. Oh that they might be sanctified to my soul! Nothing seemed to touch me but only this, that I was a sinner.—Had fervency and refreshment in social prayer in the evening.

May 10. “I rode to New-Haven; saw some Christian friends there ; and had comfort in joining in prayer with them, and hearing of the goodness of God to them, since I last saw them.

May 11. “I rode from New-Haven to Wethersfield; was very dull most of the day; had little spirituality in this journey, though I often longed to be alone with God; was much per

lexed with vile thoughts; was sometimes afraid of every thing:

|. God was my Helper. Catched a little time for retirement in the evening, to my comfort and rejoicing. Alas! I cannot live in the midst of a tumult. I long to enjoy God alone.

May 12. “I had a distressing view of the pride, enmity and vileness of my heart. Afterwards had sweet refreshment in conversing and worshipping God, with Christian friends.

May 13. “Saw so much of the wickedness of my heart, that I longed to get away from myself. I never before thought that there was so much spiritual pride in my soul. I felt almost pressed to death with my own vileness. O what a body { death is there in me! Lord, deliver my soul! I could not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly exercised. Rode to Hartford in the afternoon : had some refreshment and comfort in religious exercises with Christian friends; but longed for more retirement. O the closest walk with God is the sweetest heaven that can be enjoyed on earth !

May 14. “I waited on a council of ministers convened at Hartford, and spread before them the treatment I had met with from the rector and tutors of Yale College; who thought it adviseable to intercede for me with the rector and trustees, and to intreat them to restore me to my former privileges in college.” After this, spent some time in religious exercises with Christian friends.

*The application which was then made on his behalf, had not the desired BurcCess.

« AnteriorContinuar »