CHAPTER V.

His state of mind in the immediate prospect of the ministry.

His piety

THE time now drew near, when Mr. Payson was to receive license, agreeably to Congregational usage, to preach the gospel. His spirituality appears to have increased as that interesting era of his life approached. Most sensibly did he feel that he was no longer his own, but bought with a price,' and 'called by grace to serve God in the gospel of his Son.' The world was crucified to him, and he to the world.' was distinguished by more frequent acts of self-dedication to God, not by short ejaculations and a general surrender merely, but with great deliberation, attended by a minute survey of the relations of the creature to the Creator, and of the obligations recognised and assumed by such a consecration. Happily, one specimen of the manner in which he gave himself up is preserved; and, though it describes the secret dealings of the soul with its God, it is hoped that it will not be desecrated by being brought out to the light. If, however, the reader never felt the awe which is created by a consciousness of the divine presence—if he never experienced the emotions of an ancient pilgrim, when, preparing for a similar transaction, he exclaimed, "How dreadful is this place!"-he is urgently requested to pause. If he is conscious of any other feelings than those of profound solemnity, let him leave this chapter unread. In it he will find nothing with which a mind given to levity, or vanity, or pride, can possibly sympathize. If he ventures to proceed, he will be met at the threshold, if not by a drawn sword in the hand of the Captain of the Lord's host,' by that which is scarcely less appalling to an earthly mind, and which will render almost equally appropriate the order addressed to Israel's leader-"Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy."

66

May 1, 1807. Having set apart this day for fasting and prayer, preparatory to the celebration of the Lord's supper, I rose early, and sought the divine presence and blessing, in which I was favored with fervency and freedom. My petition was, that I might be enabled to see my own character, contrasted

with the purity of God, and his holy, just, and good law; that I might be assisted in renewing covenant with God, and in giving myself up to him, and that I might be favored with ministerial qualifications. After this, I drew up the following

CONFESSION AND FORM OF COVENANT.

"O thou High and Holy One, that inhabitest eternity, whose name alone is Jehovah,-who art the one, great, eternal, everblessed God, before whom angels bow and devils tremble, and in whose sight all the nations of the earth are less than nothing and vanity!-wilt thou graciously condescend, in thy sovereign and infinite goodness, to look down from thy throne of glory on me, the most unworthy of thy creatures, a poor, weak, sinful, vile, and polluted wretch, to behold me with mercy and compassion, and permit me, lying prostrate in the dust before thee, to address thee as my God, my Father, my Creator, my Benefactor, my Friend and Redeemer!

"O Lord, I would come with a heart broken and contrite for sin, acknowledging myself unworthy of the least of all thy mercies, and deserving nothing at thine hand but everlasting banishment from thee and happiness. Encouraged by thine own gracious promises, I would come, and, with humble confidence, take hold on the hope set before me, even thine everlasting covenant, which is ordered in all things and sure. But, O God, what am I, that I should be called thy son, that I should call thee my Father, or that thou shouldst enter into covenant with me? I blush, and am ashamed even to lift up my face unto thee, O my Father; for I have sinned against thee, and am exceeding vile; vile beyond what language can describe or thought conceive. My iniquities are gone over my head; they are increased even to the heavens; they are infinite in number, in degree and aggravation, and can be equalled only by thy mercies, which have been new every moment. Thou, O God, hast given me life, and dost still preserve me in existence. Thou hast given me faculties which render me capable of knowing, serving, loving, worshipping, and enjoying thee. Thou hast placed me in this Christian land, and given me the knowledge of thee, myself, and my duty, while thousands of my fellow-creatures are left in darkness. Thou hast placed me in that situation in life which is most favorable to virtue, contentment, and happiness, and hast given me parents tender and affectionate, who early devoted me to thee, and taught me to lisp thy name, and to know thy precepts. Through their means thou hast given me opportunities of im

proving those faculties I have received from thee, and thus rendering myself more fit to serve thee. But above all, O my God, thou hast given me an interest in thy Son, and in all the blessings he has purchased. Thou hast given me the Spirit of adoption, whereby I am enabled to cry, Abba, Father. Thou hast given me thy precious grace in this world, as an earnest of glory in the next. Thou hast also loaded me with daily and hourly mercies, more than I can number. Thou hast kept me with more than parental care. Thou hast preserved me in sickness, protected me from dangers, shielded me while awake, watched over me in sleep, supported me in trials, strengthened me in weakness, succored me in temptations, comforted me in afflictions, and defended me against mighty and numberless enemies. Thou hast overwhelmed me with thy mercies; my cup runneth over. Thy goodness and thy mercy have followed me all the days of my life.

"Yet against all this goodness I have rebelled, have rewarded thee evil for good; thy mercies have only aggravated my guilt. O, my God, what have I done! What madness, what obstinacy, what ingratitude has possessed me! My sins have run parallel with thy mercies. I have struck and wounded the hand that made me, fed me, preserved me. I have wasted in sin and folly the life thou gavest me. I have perverted those faculties I received from thy goodness in dishonoring thee, and in disobeying thy commands. I was shapen in sin, and brought forth in iniquity. My understanding is darkened and alienated from the truth; my will is stubborn and perverse; my affections are corrupted and depraved; and every imagination of the thoughts of my heart has been evil, only and continually evil. My carnal mind has been enmity against thee, and has not been in subjection to thy righteous and holy law. From this corrupt and bitter fountain have proceeded innumerable bitter, polluting streams. Though I was early taught thy will, I neglected to perform it. I have broken all thy commands, times without number. My words, thoughts, and actions, have been sinful. I have gone astray from my youth up.

"And even after thou didst take pity upon me, when I was cast out, polluted, to perish in my blood-after thou didst receive me, a poor, wretched prodigal, and didst cause thy wondrous goodness and mercy to pass before me, I have still continued to weary thee with my sins, and cause thee to serve with mine iniquities. I have broken that solemn covenant by which I bound myself to be thine. I have indulged an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God, and have

in all things dealt very treacherously. How often have I mocked thee with solemn words on a thoughtless tongue! How have I neglected thy word, profaned thine ordinances, broken thy law, and resisted thy grace! How little of a filial temper have I felt to thee, my Father! How little gratitude to thee, blessed Saviour! How often have I grieved thee, O Holy Spirit, by whom I am sealed to the day of redemption! When thou liftest upon me the light of thy countenance, I grow proud, carnal, and secure; and when thou leavest me in darkness, when my own foolishness perverteth my way, then my proud heart fretteth against thee, the Lord. All my duties are polluted with innumerable sins, and are as a leprous garment before thee. And, after all thou hast done for me, I am still encompassed about with innumerable evils. Pride, unbelief, selfishness, lust, anger, hatred, malice, revenge, bitterness, slothfulness, vanity, love of the world, ignorance, formality, hypocrisy, and, with all these, self-conceit, are still the inhabitants, if not the lords, of my heart. And, as thou, O Lord, knowest, these are not the ten thousandth part of my sins and iniquities; so that I am the chief of sinners, and the least of all saints.

66 "O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from this body of death? Vain, O Lord, thou knowest, are my endeavors, and vain is the help of man. I have ruined myself, and in thee alone, and in thy mercy, is my hope.

"To this mercy, against which I have so often sinned, would I flee for refuge, and, laying my hand on my mouth, and my mouth in the dust, cry, Unclean! unclean! True, Lord, I have sinned; but with thee there is mercy, with thee there is plenteous redemption. Thou, thou, art he, who blottest out our iniquities for thine own sake, and wilt not remember our sins against us. The blood of Christ cleanseth from all sin, and to this would I flee for refuge. In him do I put my trust; O let me not be ashamed. Let me plead before thee the merits of thy Son, and put thee in mind of thy gracious promises, that I may be justified. In his name, and as an unworthy member of his mystical body, would I come, and renew before thee that covenant which I have broken, and bind myself to be thine forever. And do thou, for his sake, O God, assist me; for in thee is my strength.

66

Relying on this strength for support, and confessing myself guilty of all these and innumerable other offences, and that I deserve, in justice, nothing but the lowest hell, and renouncing the destructive ways of sin,-I do, with my whole heart and soul, in a most serious, solemn, and deliberate manner, choose and take the Lord Jehovah to be my God and Father, cheer

fully and joyfully renewing all my past engagements; and, in humble dependence on his grace, I engage to fear him, and cleave to him in love. And I do, most freely, give up myself, my interests, for time and for eternity, my soul and body, my friends and possessions, and all that I have, to his wise, just, and sovereign disposal. Especially do I devote myself to him in the service of the ministry, beseeching him to place me in that situation in which I shall most glorify him. And wilt thou, O most gracious and condescending God, accept this offering of thy creature, who can give thee nothing but what he has first received.

"With equal joy and readiness, and in the same serious and solemn manner, do I choose and embrace the Lord Jesus Christ to be my only Saviour. I take him in all his officesas my Priest, to make atonement for all my offences-as my Prophet, to guide, teach, enlighten and instruct me as my King, to rule in and reign over me. I take him as the great Head of influences, from whom alone I can receive all needed supplies of grace and assistance.

"I do also take the Holy Spirit of all grace and consolation to be my Sanctifier, and promise not to grieve him, or to slight his warnings.

"And, O my God, what shall I more say? what can I ask, since I am thine, and thou art mine; mine, for time; mine, for eternity? O my God, I want nothing but to be wholly thine. I would plead thy promise for a new heart and a right spirit. O write this covenant on my heart, and put thy fear there, that I may not depart from thee. May I be made an able, faithful, and successful minister of the New Testament. May the life and concerns, which I have now devoted to thee, be employed in thy service; and may I, at length, be brought to the full enjoyment of thee in glory, through infinite riches of redeeming love.

"As a testimony of my sincere and hearty consent to this covenant, of my hope and desire to receive the blessings of it, and as a swift witness against me if I depart from it; I do now, before God and the holy angels, subscribe with my hand unto the Lord. EDWARD PAYSON.

(6 And may this covenant be ratified in heaven. And do thou remember, O my soul, that the vows of God are upon thee.

"Having drawn up the above covenant, I spread it before the Lord; and after confession of sins, and seeking pardon through the blood of Christ, I did solemnly accept it before