to be annihilated. I saw and rejoiced that Jesus had no need of me, and that he would be praised by others, if not by me, to all eternity; and, provided he could be glorified, I cared not how, or by whom. How sweet to have pride and self subdued!

"Dec. 9. Determined to spend this day in fasting and prayer for myself and the advancement of religion in this place. Had great and special assistance last evening, and now, in pleading for the outpouring of the Spirit here, and for help in the duties before me. After thinking over my manifold transgressions, my sins against light and love, and confessing them-I attempted to plead my Savior's death and righteousness for pardon and reconciliation. I could not obtain it, but was for three hours in great perplexity and distress, and was more than once on the point of giving up in despair. However, I was enabled to continue reading the Scriptures and praying till afternoon, when the cloud dispersed, and my Savior shone out brighter than ever before. How did my soul rejoice, and plead for sanctifying grace! Was exhausted and worn out, but continued praying, or trying to pray, till night.

"Dec. 16. Was enabled to realize, for the first time in my life, what Christ suffered, and for what a wretch he suffered. Was so overwhelmed with the view, that I could not, for some time, shed a tear. O how hateful did sin appear!

"Dec. 17. Was much assisted in writing on Christ's passion.

"Jan. 4, 1807. Was favored with a spirit of prayer beyond all my former experience. I was in great agony, and wrestled both for myself and others with great power. God seemed to bow the heavens and come 8*

M. P.

down, and open all his treasures, bidding me take what I would.

"Jan. 6. Was not favored with that sweet sense of pardon which I usually find on occasions of fasting: but I had a quiet, peaceful, resigned frame, and felt none of those repining thoughts which the absence o sensible comforts is apt to excite.

"Jan. 20. Was amazingly assisted in prayer for myself, parents, friends, and a revival of religion.

"Jan. 21. Was favored with the clearest views of the glory of heaven, as consisting in holiness, that I ever had.

"Jan. 29. Never felt such longings after God, or such a desire to depart and be with Christ. My soul thirsted for more full communion with my God and Savior. I do not now feel satisfied, as I used to, with the manifestations of the divine presence, but still feel hungry and craving.

"Feb. 2. Was amazingly given up to wandering imaginations. If I attempted to pray, in a moment my thoughts were in the ends of the earth. If I attempted to read the Bible, every verse, almost, afforded ground of doubt and caviling. This fully convinced me that Satan is able to make me doubt even the existence of God.

"Feb. 18. Was enabled to lie at Jesus' feet, and to wash them with the tears of contrition. No pleasure I have ever found in religion superior to this.

"Feb. 20. Resolved to spend the day in fasting, and had considerable assistance. Had clearer views of the majesty, purity, and holiness of God than usual, and this made me abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.

"Feb. 28. Was favored with great enlargement in prayer. Seemed to be carried out of myself into the presence of God.

"March 2. Seem to be declining; and less grateful, less fervent, than I was, and have less tenderness of spirit. Yet I am less apt to think much of myself than I was, and hope I am growing in humility. This seems the most lovely grace, and most becoming sinners.

"March 7. Were it not for the promised help of my Savior, I would think no more of preaching, but rather labor for daily bread.

"March 12. Never appeared so exceedingly vile and loathsome to myself as I did this day. It seemed as if I could not endure to be near myself. No words could express any thing like the sense I had of my unworthiness. It seemed as if I could not, for shame, ask God to save me. I felt like sinking into the dust, in the idea that his pure eye was fixed upon me, and that saints and angels saw how vile I was.

"March 15. Sabbath. Rose very early, and was favored with sweet fervency and communion with God in prayer. Went to bed, and lay till morning. Enjoyed great liberty in prayer several times before meeting.

"March 17. Was favored with a peculiar experience this morning. I thought I knew that I could never heal myself before; but I was made to know it in a different manner now. I saw, with most convincing clearness, that neither I, nor all created beings, could do the least thing towards delivering me from my sinful nature. I saw that I depended entirely on the free mercy of God; and that there was no reason but his own good plea

sure why he should ever afford me that assistance. Felt, for the first time in my life, what the apostle meant by "groanings which cannot be uttered;" and my desires after holiness were so strong, that I was in bodily pain, and my soul seemed as if it would burst the bands which confined it to the body.

"March 19. [At the close of a day of fasting and prayer.] I find that, even when the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. No days are so fatiguing as those which are spent in fervent and continual exercises of religion. It will not be so in heaven.

66

March 26. Spent the day in fasting and prayer. Was favored with near access to my heavenly Father, and a realizing sense of his perfections. O how sweetly was I enabled to praise and admire his love and goodness in his works!

"March 31. Spent this day fasting, but not in prayer; for I could not put up a single petition. Was entirely deserted, and was ready to say, Surely it is in vain to seek after God. I could not see that I had advanced one step in holiness, and was ready to think I never should; yet could think of nothing else worth pursuing or living for. Doubted whether it were possible that I should know any thing of true religion, and yet be so entirely barren.

April 7. In fasting and prayer, was favored with much of a spirit of supplication. I now seem to be lifted above those discouraging, desponding doubts, which have for some time clogged my soul. No GOOD COMES OF DOUBTING, OR OF BROODING OVER OUR SINS. April 14. Spent this day in fasting and prayer. Was wholly deserted, except that I saw more of my natural depravity, and the consequent pollution of all

my duties, than ever before. Saw more, too, of the glory and greatness of the work of redemption than I had previously.

April 22. Spent this day in fasting and prayer. At first was stupid; but soon God was pleased to lift up the light of his countenance upon me, and visit me with his free Spirit. O how infinitely glorious and lovely did God in Christ appear! I saw, I felt, that God was mine, and I his, and was unspeakably happy. Now, if ever, I enjoyed communion with God. He shone sweetly upon me, and I reflected back his beams in fervent, admiring, adoring love. Had a most ravishing view of the glories of heaven, of the ineffable delight with which the Lord Jesus beholds the happiness which he has purchased with his own blood.",

CHAPTER V.

His state of mind in the immediate prospect of the ministry.

THE time now drew near when Mr. Payson was to receive license to preach the Gospel. His spirituality appears to have increased as that interesting era of his life approached. Most sensibly did he feel that he was no longer his own, but bought with a price," and "called by grace to serve God in the Gospel of his Son." "The world was crucified to him, and he to the world." His piety was distinguished by more frequent acts of self-dedication to God—not by short ejaculations and a general surrender merely, but with great