my days, yet now my mind began to be filled with oaths and curfes all the day long; though, bleffed be the Lord, I never was permitted to utter with my lips what I felt working in my heart, yet fuch blafphemous thoughts paffed through me, that I was frequently a terror to myself. Oh, the many miferable days that I have had of this fort! when I attempted to pray or read, or to think of any thing that was good, my mind would then be more infcfted with these wicked thoughts than at other feasons, which forely diftreffed me. But I fhall pass over this part for the prefent, as I intend to touch upon it again.

I was very fond of the minifter I fat under, and very attentive to the things I heard, for his difcourfes were in general very alarming, as he treated largely upon the miseries of the wicked in the world to come: I think I may with propriety call it the miniftry of death and condemnation. The terrors of the law were perpetually preached, and he expatiated much upon the torments of hell; all outward fin was very much exclaimed againft, and holiness of life ftrongly enforced : this fcripture was frequently repeated, "Without holiness no man fhall fee the Lord," and a number of fcriptures were brought forth descriptive of the miferable ftate of thofe who died in fin. Thefe difcourfes wrought much upon me; and at the age of feventeen I fet about a reformation and a thorough amendment of life, hoping thereby to

please God: much of what I heard had a tendency to fet me to work in my own ftrength, under which I laboured for a long time: but this bodily exercise profited nothing; for minifters telling poor helpless finners what they should do, inftead of pointing them to Christ Jesus, from whom alone help is to be had, is setting them to labour in vain, which I found to my coft. Indeed it is fetting a double task of bricks to be made without giving ftraw for the work. But this legal way of preaching agreed with my legal feelings, and I foon got into a great profeffion; but all my business lay in making clean the outfide, at which I was very diligent, abftaining from all outward things, and endeavouring to break off my fins by righteousness. To work I went, and an abundance of dead works were performed. I fometimes felt a ftrong inclination after those abominations wherein I had formerly lived; and the difficulty I found in leaving off my old practices I ignorantly conceived to be the warfare between flesh and spirit; I therefore kept on mortifying the deeds of the body; and a moft valiant. foldier I flattered myself I was; for at length I gained the victory fo far, that I followed no outward thing that could be condemned. herein I believe my conduct was unimpeachable; and in this reformation I refted, being puffed up with a vain mind; and, having heard the liberty of the gospel sometimes spoken of, but never ex

And

plained, being at eafe in the flesh, I imagined I ftood in that liberty; and my vain, prefumptuous confidence I miftook for faith, and thought myfelf to be a christian indeed; and I verily believe that thousands of profeffors reft here, as I once did. I attended different prayer meetings, read the fcriptures, and was very attentive to every part of religious worship as far as I knew; I said many prayers, and performed all the good works I could; and, according to my ability, I bestowed almis, yea, even beyond my power, for I fometimes gave all I had away, and fretted that I had not more to give. I think no poor creature was ever more puffed up with blind zeal than I was, and a prouder Pharifee, I verily believe, there never did exift; like thofe of old, I trufted in myself that I was righteous, and despised others. I was fo full of religion, that I could talk about it at any time, and to any one; and ftrove hard to drag every one into a profeffion that came in my way; but, had I gained a thousand profelytes, their being converted to fuch a faith as mine then was would have been of no avail; for, like me, they would only have been twofold more the children of hell, Matt. xxiii. 15. For Chrift declares to the Pharifees, "Verily I fay unto you, that publicans and harlots go into the kingdom of God before you," Matt. xxi. 31. However, I went on for fome time in this way, being swept and garnished with this external fhew of religion

and holiness; whereas inwardly I was full of all uncleannefs, and knew no more about a broken heart or a contrite spirit, nor of real forrow on account of fin, than Satan himself; nevertheless, I was not always eafy in my mind; for at times I felt so much evil working within, that I knew not what to think of myfelf; and this fo pulled down my vain confidence, that I frequently felt very low, and was oftentimes much difquieted, and did not think fo highly of my religion; as, from what I felt, I very much fuspected that all was not right with me; and this diffatisfaction kept increasing upon me, till I thought there was something more in real religion than I was yet acquainted with. I got more and more restless, and was exceedingly diftreffed, fearing I was deceived, and that my religion would prove nothing worth. This I know is a dreadful ftate to be in; "For, if a man thinketh himself to be fomething when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself," Galat. vi. 3. One day, being at my work, and pondering over these matters in my mind, I became fo difconfolate and diftreffed, that I knew not what to do, for I feared that all was wrong. At this time I had some strong impreffions on my mind to go in prayer to the Lord, and make known to him all my diftrefs. So I left my work, retired to a fecret place, and put up a few petitions, which, to the best of my remembrance, were as follows," O Lord, I have finned against

thee, but thou art merciful and gracious, flow to anger and abundant in goodness: thou searchest the heart and trieft the reins, and all things are naked and open unto thee; thou knoweft the state I am in, and the diftrefs which I feel, fearing I am not right before thee suffer me not to be deceived, I befeech thee, O Lord; and, if my religion is what thou thyfelf hast taught me, be pleased to make it known, and comfort me in it; but, if it is what thou haft not taught me, and will fail me when I come to die, reveal this also unto me; and, if it be thy moft bleffed will, let the firft paffage of fcripture I ever see from this time be defcriptive of my case, that I may thereby know what is my true ftate before thee. Pardon and forgive my fin, and make me what thou wouldft have me to be. I afk all in the name, and for the fake, of Jefus Chrift. Amen."-How long time elapfed before I looked into the Bible I do not recollect; but I remember one night, being very unhappy, and thinking of what I had prayed for, I took it up to read, and the first words I faw were thefe, "Thou haft neither part nor lot in this matter, for thy heart is not right in the fight of God," Acts viii. 21. On reading these words I funk in my foul, and God quickened me to feel that I was loft, and fhewed me the wretched ftate I was in; and in one moment such horror of mind seized me, that I felt as if I was going to drop into the bottomlefs pit; my heart