though my unbelief prevents me seeing it, I have much for which to praise. Why has He ever looked upon me at all! I have no claim upon Him. I never sought Him. Yes; I can still praise. Oh ! dear friend, even as I write, my heart seems to soften a little. Oh ! tell me how I can get to Him. I long to have her place who sat at His feet, bathing His feet with her tears; but I do not know how to go, and I am afraid. I am so vile. ... Are you to have any additional prayermeetings at this season? I am glad our weekly meeting is on Christmas-day, for I find that the worldly doings going on at this time have a very hurtful effect upon my soul. I sometimes find that half an hour's worldliness drives every spiritual feeling from my heart. We have a prayer-meeting in the Free Church here every Wednesday evening. I hope you will sometimes remember us on these evenings at the footstool.”

Such are some specimens of her first two years' correspondence after her conversion. We find in it striking progress. It shews us the resolute "pressing forward." Her hope has anchored upon the kingdom to come, and her eye is on Jesus. In spite of the flesh, the evil one, the heart of unbelief, the taunting world, she struggles forward. In much loneliness, and weariness, and grief, yet with strange joy, and quiet rest, and heavenly fellowship between, she walks with God. Nothing can daunt her, or turn her back. She has counted the cost, and she is willing to pay it when demanded.

CHAPTER VII.

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Conflicts.

knew that, in leaving the world, she was not at once passing into THE REST. She had found rest in so far as the knowledge of God's favour gives rest to the weary even here. She rested on the Resting-place. She had " peace with God."

But still there was trouble and war. The church is not an army on parade, but on the battle-field. She knew this, and set her face to it. Yet at times the battle was sore, seeming, not seldom, to go against her for a time, as if the enemy prevailed. She did not yield, though she was ready to faint. She faced each enemy as he came up, though with fear and trembling. Whatever it might cost her, she would not retreat, nor throw away either sword or shield. There were fightings without, and fears within; but she kept the field, and ceased not till she overcame.

Her conflicts with herself may be seen in such passages as these :

"December 27, 1842.

"I always meet you at ten and five; but it is often a hard battle. Sometimes I do nothing but weep the How is it with you? Is Jesus still near, Ah! He is near, even when you don't

whole time. still precious?

feel Him! I would give worlds to feel Him near. I pant for Him at all times. Does not your heart feel

desolate when He hides His face?"

After this, she wrote thus to me

"I have such

conflict in prayer, that I often go with dread. Sometimes I do nothing but weep; and they are not sweet tears, such as it is sometimes a relief to shed; but they are bitter. I wonder what is the matter. I never in my life experienced so much agony as I have for the last week. My love is fallen very cold; but there is nothing that gives me any joy but Christ, and He will teach me to love. I would not go back to the world and Satan again-no. Even suffering with God is more glorious than an eternity of the world's joys. 'Whom have I in heaven but thee?' Oh, is it not ecstasy to tell God that?—that you don't want anything but Himself that He is your portion?"

I

To her friend she wrote :-" I have great conflicts in prayer just now. I think Satan tempts me much. Every day he tempts me to think there is no God at all. But still, I am never so happy as at prayer. feel so sorrowful; such a void in my heart, that it is ecstasy to go and throw myself at the feet of Jesus and weep there. It is sweeter to weep at the feet of Jesus than to rejoice in all the pleasures of the world." And elsewhere to the same friend :-" I have not had

a happy time except a short while on Tuesday, in the evening. I am sorely tempted by Satan in many ways, especially by infidel thoughts. I feel as if Jesus had left me, and Satan got entire hold of me. I cannot describe to you the painful longings I have at times to feel Jesus near me, and to know that He is love. I think I would be contented if I could get but one feeling that He is love, into my heart. It is great agony to feel as if He were frowning on me. I think it is a little hell within me. Oh to see Him face to face, and never more cause Him, by my sins, to hide His blessed countenance from me!"

In a letter to myself, she says:-" I cannot by any means get near God, and you know no one can live far from Jesus who has ever felt the blessedness of being near Him. I only know what it is to miss Him, not to feel Him near. I cannot realise His presence, and yet I do so long for it. When I am praying, I feel as if I were repeating strange things; as if my own words seemed strange to me. I wonder if any one ever felt as I do, and what they did. Often, in speaking to people, I do not believe what I am saying myself. Is it not a wonder that God is not tired of me? In spite of all that Satan says, he must be a long-suffering God, for He still bears with me. Why cannot I believe that He is love, and lean on Him and be at rest? . . . . One reason I want to be at peace with God, and to be delivered from Satan's delusions is, that I may feel for others, and be able to pray for them, and to speak to them, really believing that they are in danger.

I cannot glorify God in this

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state, and what is the use of living if I do not live to Him?"

Again, in her diary, she writes." Wednesday, 6th. -Have passed a very miserable day; I cannot get near Christ, and I cannot pray, and I cannot speak for Him, or realise spiritual things at all. Have been meeting my beloved friend at the throne of grace (five o'clock), and am greatly relieved in my soul. At first I was almost in despair; I could not pray; I could hardly even get the luxury of tears. I have wept so much lately, my tears seem dried up; but at last I was enabled to rest my weary soul on the faithful word of a faithful God; and I have found that a sure foundation. I have not found joy yet; but I have found the peace, that Jesus alone can give; His own peace; precious peace; sweet peace; it indeed 'passeth all understanding.' Had much delight and some earnestness in pleading for my dear R—, that Jesus would bless her, and make her a blessing where she now is."

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peace

Thursday, October 19, 1843.-Had a painful season this morning; had a sight of my sinfulness and misery in going away from Christ, and longed to be received back again."

Saturday, 21st.-I felt this morning more than ever that religion must be all or nothing. I had a time of agony to-day. My corruptions seemed to rise up as if they would overwhelm me. I wrestled for an hour, with strong crying and tears; but I could not find relief. I longed for a broken heart; but every moment it got harder and harder. I had such angry,