Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear guardy! I have a-a-a monkey shut up there; and if you open it before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis so wild, 'twill break all my china, or get away, and that would break my heart; for I'm fond on't to distraction, next thee, dear guardy. [In a flattering tone. Sir F. Well, well, chargy, I won't open it. She shall have her monkey, poor rogue! Here, throw this peel out of the window.

[Exit Scentwell. Mar. A monkey! Dear madam, let me see it. I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man!

Mir. Be quiet, mischief; and stand further from the chimney. You shall not see my monkey-who, sure,- [Striving with him. Mar. For heaven's sake, dear madam, let me but peep, to see if it be as pretty as Lady Fiddlefaddle's. Has it got a chain? Mir. Not yet; but I design it one shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it. Look, guardy, how he teazes me?

Sir F. (Getting between him and the chimney.) Sirrah, sirrah, let my chargy's monkey alone, or my bamboo shall fly about your ears. What, is there no dealing with you?

Mar. Pugh! plague of the monkey! Here's a rout! I wish he may rival you.

Mir. Thankye, dear guardy! Nay, I'll see you to the coach.

Sir F. That's kind, adad!

Mir. Come along, impertinence!

[To Marplot. Mar. (Stepping back.) Egad, I will see the monkey now. (Lifts up the board, and discovers Sir George.) Oh, lord! oh, lord! Thieves, thieves! Murder!

Sir G. D-n ye, you unlucky dog! 'Tis I. Which way shall I get out? Show me instantly, or I'll cut your throat.

Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. But, hold, hold! Break that china, and I'll bring you off.

[He runs off at the corner, and throws down some china.

Re-enter SIR FRANCIS GRIPE, MIRANDA, and SCENTWELL.

Sir F. Mercy on me! What's the matter? Mir. Oh, you toad! What have you done? Mar. No great harm. I beg of you to forgive me. Longing to see this monkey, I did but just raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders, scratched all my face, broke your china, and whisked out of the window. Sir F. Where-where is it, sirrah? Mar. There there, Sir Francis-upon your neighbour Parmazan's pantiles.

Sir F. Was ever such an unlucky rogue? Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants to get the monkey again. Pug, pug, pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but you know my earnest business.

Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it back. All them creatures love my lady extremely.

Mir. Go, go, dear guardy! I hope I shall recover it.

Sir F. B'ye, b'ye, dearee! Ah, mischief, how you look now! B'ye, b'ye! [Exit. Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and bring me word.

[Miss Lovely, an heiress. Her father, a whimsical character, left her thirty thousand pounds provided she married with the consent of her guardians; but to prevent her ever doing so he left her in the care of four men of opposite natures and tastes, and she is obliged to reside three months of the year with each of them. She just now resides with the Quaker, Mr. Prim.]

Enter MRS. PRIM, and MISS LOVELY in a Quaker's dress.

Mrs. P. So, now I like thee, Anne. Art thou not better without thy monstrous vanities and patches? If heaven should make thee so many black spots upon thy face, would it not fright thee, Anne?

Miss L. If it should turn you inside outward, and show all the spots of your hypocrisy, 'twould fright me worse!

Mrs. P. My hypocrisy! I scorn thy words, Anne; I lay no baits.

Miss L. If you did, you'd catch no fish. Mrs. P. Well, well, make thy jests; but I'd have thee to know, Anne, that I could have

catched as many fish (as thou callest them) in my time, as ever thou didst with all thy fooltraps about thee.

Miss L. Is that the reason of your formality, Mrs. Prim? Truth will out; I ever thought, indeed, there was more design than godliness in the pinched cap.

Mrs. P. Go; thou art corrupted with reading lewd plays and filthy romances! Ah! I wish thou art not already too familiar with the wicked ones.

Miss L. Too familiar with the wicked ones! Pray, no more of these freedoms, madam. I am familiar with none so wicked as yourself; how dare you thus talk to me, you-you— you, unworthy woman, you—

[Bursts into tears.

Enter TRADELOVE, one of Miss Lovely's

guardians.

Trade. What, in tears, Nancy? What have you done to her, Mrs. Prim, to make her weep?

Miss L. Done to me? I admire I keep my senses among you; but I will rid myself of your tyranny, if there be either law or justice to be had. I'll force you to give me up my liberty.

Mrs. P. Thou hast more need to weep for thy sins, Anne; yea, for thy manifold sins. Miss L. Don't think that I'll be still the fool which you have made me. No; I'll wear what I please; go when and where I please; and keep what company I think fit, and not what you shall direct, I will.

Trade. For my part, I do think all this very reasonable, Miss Lovely. Tis fit you should have your liberty, and for that very purpose I

am come.

Enter PERIWINKLE and OBADIAH PRIM, two other guardians.

Obad. What art thou in the dumps for, Anne?

Trade. We must marry her, Mr. Prim. Obad. Why, truly, if we could find a husband worth having, I should be as glad to see her married as thou wouldst, neighbour. Per. Well said, there are but few worth having.

Trade. I can recommend you a man now, that I think you can none of you have an objection to.

Enter SIR PHILIP MODELOVE, another

guardian.

Sir P. What, must it be a whale, or a rhinoceros, Mr. Periwinkle? Ha, ha, ha!

Per. He shall be none of the fops at your end of the town, with mop-heads and empty skulls; nor yet any of our trading gentry, who puzzle the heralds to find arms for their coaches. No; he shall be a man famous for travels, solidity, and curiosity; one who has searched into the profundity of nature; when heaven shall direct such a one, he shall have my consent, because it may turn to the benefit of mankind.

Miss L. The benefit of mankind! What, would you anatomize me? Sir P. Ay, ay, madam; he would dissect

you.

Trade. Or pore over you through a microscope, to see how your blood circulates from the crown of your head to the sole of your foot-ha, ha! But I have a husband for you, a man that knows how to improve your fortune; one that trades to the four corners of the globe.

Miss L. And would send me for a venture, perhaps.

Trade. One that will dress you in all the pride of Europe, Asia, Africa, and America; a Dutch merchant, my girl.

Sir P. A Dutchman! Ha, ha! there's a husband for a fine lady. Ya frow, will you meet myn slapen-ha, ha! He'll learn you to talk the language of the hogs, madam-ha, ha!

Trade. He'll teach you that one merchant is of more service to a nation than fifty coxcombs. "Tis the merchant makes the belle. How would the ladies sparkle in the box without the merchant? The Indian diamond; the French brocade; the Italian fan; the Flanders lace; the fine Dutch holland. How would they vent their scandal over their teatables? And where would your beaux have champagne to toast their mistresses, were it not for the merchant?

dost waste thy breath about nothing. All Obad. Verily, neighbour Tradelove, thou that thou hast said tendeth only to debauch youth, and fill their heads with the pride and luxury of this world. The merchant is a very great friend to Satan, and sendeth as many to his dominions as the pope.

Per. Right; I say, knowledge makes the

man.

Obad. Yea, but not thy kind of knowledge; it is the knowledge of truth. Search thou for

Miss L. Ah! study your country's good,

Mr. Periwinkle, and not her insects. Rid you of your homebred monsters before you fetch any from abroad. I dare swear, you have maggots enough in your own brain to stock all the virtuosos in Europe with butterflies.

Sir P. By my soul! Miss Nancy's a wit. Obad. That is more than she can say of thee, friend. Lookye, 'tis in vain to talk; when I meet a man worthy of her, she shall have my leave to marry him.

Miss L. Provided he be of the faithful. Was there ever such a swarm of caterpillars to blast the hopes of a woman! (Aside.) Know this, that you contend in vain; I'll have no husband of your choosing, nor shall you lord it over me long. I'll try the power of an English senate. Orphans have been redressed, and wills set aside, and none did ever deserve their pity more. Oh, Feignwell! where are thy promises to free me from those vermin? Alas! the task was more difficult than he imagined.

[Aside.

A harder task than what the poets tell
Of yore the fair Andromeda befell;
She but one monster fear'd, I've four to fear,
And see no Perseus, no deliv'rer near.

[This is how Colonel Feignwell, Miss Lovely's lover, managed to gain the consent of Mr. Periwinkle, the virtuoso:-]

A Tavern.

COL. FEIGNWELL is discovered in an Egyptian

dress, with SACKBUT the landlord.

Sac. A lucky beginning, Colonel; you have got the old beau's consent.

Col. F. Ay, he's a reasonable creature; but the other three will require some pains. Shall I pass upon him, think you? Egad, in my mind I look as antique as if I had been preserved in the ark.

Sac. Pass upon him; ay, ay, if you have assurance enough.

Col. F. I have no apprehension from that quarter; assurance is the cockade of a soldier. Sac. Ay, but the assurance of a soldier differs much from that of a traveller. Can you lie with a good grace?

Col. F. As heartily, when my mistress is the prize, as I would meet the foe when my country called and king commanded; so don't you fear that part. If he don't know me again, I am safe. I hope he'll come.

Sac. I wish all my debts would come as sure. I told him you had been a great traveller, had many valuable curiosities, and was

a person of most singular taste; he seemed transported, and begged me to keep you till he came.

Col. F. Ay, ay, he need not fear my running away. Let's have a bottle of sack, landlord; our ancestors drank sack.

Sac. You shall have it.

Col. F. And whereabouts is the trap-door you mentioned?

Sac. There is the conveyance, sir.

[Exit.

Col. F. Now, if I could cheat all these roguish guardians, and carry off my mistress in triumph, it would be what the French call a grand coup d'éclat. Odso! here comes Periwinkle. Ah! deuce take this beard; pray Jupiter it does not give me the slip and spoil all.

Enter SACKBUT with wine, and PERIWINKLE following.

Sac. Sir, this gentleman, hearing you have been a great traveller, and a person of fine speculation, begs leave to take a glass with you; he is a man of curious taste himself.

Col. F. The gentleman has it in his face and garb. Sir, you are welcome.

Per. Sir, I honour a traveller and men of

habit pleases me extremely; 'tis very antique, your inquiring disposition; the oddness of your and for that I like it.

Col. F. 'Tis very antique, sir. This habit once belonged to the famous Claudius Ptolemeus, who lived in the year one hundred and thirty-five.

Sac. If he keeps up to the sample, he shall lie with the devil for a bean-stack, and win it every straw. [Aside.

Per. A hundred and thirty-five! Why, that's prodigious, now! Well, certainly, 'tis the finest thing in the world to be a traveller.

Col. F. For my part, I value none of the modern fashions a fig-leaf.

Per. No more don't I, sir; I had rather be the jest of a fool than his favourite. I am laughed at here for my singularity. This coat, you must know, sir, was formerly worn by that ingenious and very learned person, Mr. John Tradescant, of Lambeth.

Col. F. John Tradescant! Let me embrace you, sir. John Tradescant was my uncle, by my mother's side; and I thank you for the honour you do his memory. He was a very curious man indeed.

Per. Your uncle, sir! Nay, then, 'tis no wonder that your taste is so refined; why, you have it in your blood. My humble service to you, sir. To the immortal memory of

Col. F. Give me a glass, landlord. Per. I find you are primitive, even in your wine. Canary was the drink of our wise forefathers; 'tis balsamic, and saves the charge of apothecaries' cordials. Oh that I had lived in your uncle's days! or rather, that he were now alive! Oh how proud he'd be of such a nephew! A person of your curiosity must have collected many rarities.

Col. F. I have some, sir, which are not yet come ashore-as an Egyptian idol.

Per. Pray what may that be?

Col. F. It is, sir, a kind of an ape, which they formerly worshipped in that country; I took it from the breast of a female mummy; two tusks of an hippopotamus, two pairs of Chinese nut-crackers, and one Egyptian mum

my.

Per. Pray, sir, have you never a crocodile? Col. F. Humph! the boatswain brought one with a design to show it; but touching at Rotterdam, and hearing it was no rarity in England, he sold it to a Dutch poet. Lookye, sir, do you see this little phial? Per. Pray you, what is it?

Col. F. This is called Poluflosboio. Per. Poluflosboio! It has a rumbling sound.

Col. F. Right, sir; it proceeds from a rumbling nature. This water was part of those waves which bore Cleopatra's vessel when she sailed to meet Antony.

Per. Well, of all that travelled, none had a taste like you.

Col. F. But here's the wonder of the world. This, sir, is called zona, or moros musphonon; the virtues of this are inestimable.

Per. Moros musphonon! What, in the name of wisdom, can that be? To me, it seems a plain belt.

Col. F. No, no, you sha'n't stir a foot; I'll only make you invisible.

Sac. But if you could not make me visible

again.

Per. Come, try it upon me, sir; I am not afraid of the devil, nor all his tricks. 'Sbud, I'll stand 'em all.

Col. F. There, sir, put it on. Come, landlord, you and I must face the east. (They turn about.) Is it on, sir? Per. 'Tis on.

[They turn about again. Sac. Heaven protect me! where is he? Per. Why, here, just where I was.

Sac. Where, where, in the name of virtue? Ah, poor Mr. Periwinkle! Egad, look to't; you had best, sir; and let him be seen again, or I shall have you burnt for a wizard.

Col. F. Have patience, good landlord. Per. But, really, don't you see me now? Sac. No more than I see my grandmother, that died forty years ago.

Per. Are you sure you don't lie? Methinks I stand just where I did, and see you as plain as I did before.

Sac. Ah! I wish I could see you once again.
Col. F. Take off the girdle, sir.

[He takes it off. Sac. Ah! sir, I am glad to see you, with all my heart. [Embraces him. Per. This is very odd; certainly there must be some trick in't. Pray, sir, will you do me the favour to put it on yourself?

Col. F. With all my heart.

Per. But, first, I'll secure the door.

Col. F. You know how to turn the screw, Mr. Sackbut.

Sac. Yes, yes. Come, Mr. Periwinkle, we must turn full east.

[They turn; the Colonel sinks through the trap-door.

Col. F. 'Tis done; now turn. [They turn. Per. Ha! mercy upon me; my flesh creeps

Per. You have carried it, you mean. Col. F. I mean as I say, sir. Whenever I am girded with this, I am invisible; and, by turning this little screw, can be in the court of the Great Mogul, the Grand Signior, and King George, in as little time as your cook can poach an egg.

Per. You must pardon me, sir; I can't believe it.

Col. F. If my landlord pleases, he shall try the experiment immediately.

Sac. I thank you kindly, sir; but I have no inclination to ride post to the devil.

Mr. Sackbut.

Sac. He's the devil, I think.

Per. Oh! Mr. Sackbut, why do you name the devil, when perhaps he may be at your elbow?

Sac. At my elbow! Marry, heaven forbid! Col. F. Are you satisfied?

[From under the stage. Per. Yes, sir, yes. How hollow his voice

sounds!

Sac. Yours seemed just the same. 'Faith, I wish this girdle were mine; I'd sell wine no more. Harkye! Mr. Periwinkle (takes him aside till the Colonel rises again), if he would