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CHAPTER VI.

ΤΩΝ ΠΕΡΙ ΕΑΥΤΟΥ.

MAY I have leave to say, without blame, that as far as memory goes back, I was impressed from early youth with a love of truth and virtue, a fear of God, and a desire to approve myself to him; which have never left me to this hour, though not always equally governed by them, nor improving so great a favour and blessing from God as I ought to have done.

After the usual time spent at school and in the university, I entered into the ministry of the gospel, out of a free and deliberate choice, with a full persuasion, that it was the best way in which I could serve God, and be useful to man, and with an earnest desire that I might promote these the great ends of it.

Some things in the xxxix. articles of our church I always disapproved. And I remember it struck me at the time, as a strange unnecessary entanglement, to put young men upon declaring and subscribing their approbation of such a large heterogeneous mass of positions and doctrines as are contained in the liturgy, articles, and homilies; especially, as I had observed, that none but those called Methodists, who were then

much spoken of, preached in conformity to them. But I was not under any scruples, or great uneasiness on this account. I had hitherto no doubts; or rather, I had never much thought of, or examined into the doctrine of the Trinity, but supposed all was right there.

Some years after, many doubts concerning that doctrine, which had sprung up in the mind at different times and from various causes, compelled me to a closer study of the Scriptures with regard to it; for the state of suspense I was in was very uneasy to me. The more I searched, the more I saw the little foundation there was for the doctrine commonly received, and interwoven with all the public devotions of the church, and could not but be disturbed at a discovery so ill suiting my situation. For in the end I became fully persuaded, to use St. Paul's express words, 1 Cor. viii. 6, that there is but one God the Father, and he alone to be worshiped. This appeared to be the uniform, unvaried language and practice of the Bible throughout. And I found the sentiments and practice of Christians in the first and best agés * corresponding with it. In a course

* Athanasius, and others of the post-Nicene fathers, were much posed how to digest and reconcile to their new doctrine the language that had been used by such apostolic characters that had lived before them, as Dionysius of Alexandria, and Gregory of Neocæsarea, concerning Christ : who hesitated not to call him a creature, made, and the like.

of time afterwards, in the progress and result of this inquiry, my scruples wrought so far as to put me upon actually taking some previous steps, with a design to relieve myself by quitting my preferment in the church. What prevented this resolution from taking place and being completed, I go on to relate.

1. Destined early, and educated for the ministry, and my heart engaged in the service, when the

They were reduced to say, that such expressions were used according to a certain æconomy, as they styled it, but which was a thing entirely of their own imaginations: or, that they were expressions uttered only in the way of dispute and to carry a point against an adversary, and not the real sentiments of those worthy persons; an imputation of disingenuity and artifice, which could only belong to those who invented it.

This way of getting over such expressions concerning Christ in the Scriptures, and other early writings, which are thought to lower him too much for some men's systems, has now given place to what is called the two natures in Christ; a circumstance of which our Saviour Christ kimself appears wholly unconscious, and his apostles tell us nothing about it. Irenæus was certainly ignorant of it, where in one place, alluding to Mark xiii. 32, he says, “ Since Our Lord himself, the Son of God, owned that the Father alone knew the day and the hour of judgment, when he said expressly,

Of that day, and that hour, knoweth know one, not the Son, but the Father only:' let us not think much to reserve to God questions that are far more difficult in respect of our capacities. For we are not greater than our Master." Irenæus, Lib. ii. c. 48.

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moment of determination came, I felt a reluctance at casting myself out of my profession and way of usefulness, that quite discouraged me. This was probably heightened by my being alone at the time, having no intimate friend to consult or converse with, and my imagination might be shocked by the strangeness and singularity of what I was going to do; for such subjects then, upwards of fifteen years ago, were not so much canvassed, or become so familiarized as they have been since. These apprehensions, I am convinced, had great sway at the time, and not any worldly retrospects or motives, by which I was never much influenced. And beside, I had then a prospect of not being left entirely destitute of support, if I had gone out of the church.

But I did not enough reflect, that when unlawful compliances of any sort are required, the first dictates of conscience, which are generally the rightest, are to be attended to, and that the plain road of duty and uprightness will always be found to lead to the truest good in the end, because it is that which is chalked out by God himself. *

* Says one of the ejected ministers, after the restoration in 1660, Mr. Oldfield, of Carsington, Derbyshire, in his private MS, soliloquy and deliberation with himself, which fell into Dr. Calamy's hands ; “ When thon canst no longer continue in thy work, without dishonour to God, discredit to religion, foregoing thy integrity, wounding conscience,

God doth not need
Either man's work, or his own gifts, who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best: his state
Is kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest ;
They also serve who only stand and wait.

Milton, Sonnet xx.

2. Many worthy persons, and some of my own acquaintance, whose opinions varied little from mine, could nevertheless satisfy themselves so as to remain in the church and officiate in it. Why then, it often occurred to me, and others did not spare to remonstrate; why must I alone

spoiling thy peace, and hazarding the loss of thy salvation; in a word, when the conditions upon which thou must continue (if thou wilt continue) in thy employments are sinful, and unwarranted by the word of God; thou mayest, yea, thou must believe, that God will turn thy very silence, suspension, deprivation, and laying aside, to his glory and the advancement of the gospel's interest. When God will not use thee in one kind, yet he will in another. A soul that desires to serve and honour him, shall never want opportunity to do it: nor must thou so limit the Holy One of Israel, as to think he hath but one way in which he can glorify himself by thee. He can do it by thy silence, as well as by thy preaching; thy laying aside, as well as thy continuance in thy work.” And a little after, towards the conclusion; “ 'Tis not pretence of doing God the greatest service, or performing the weightiest duty, that will excuse the least sin, though that sin capacitated or gave us the opportunity for the doing that duty. Thou wilt have little

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