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will hate you.

God frequently occurred to my mind, and made a deep impression ; such as, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart. I would answer, But I do not love God at all; I do not know how to love him; and with respect to loving my neighbour thus, I am sure I do not; for though my sister is dearer to me than any body else, I do not love her as well as myself. Again, that word struck me much; St. Paul says, I have fought the good fight ; and when I was baptized, the minister said I was to be “ Christ's faithful soldier and servant, and fight manfully under his banner.” This amazed me greatly. I thought, I am sure I do not fight, neither do I know what to fight against. But, above all, that sentence would follow me, Narrow is the way which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it; and, If ye are not of the world, the world

I did not feel it a narrow way, neither did the world hate me; therefore I questioned often whether I was not quite out of the way, yet it was not with any terror : I believea if the Lord saw that I was wrong, ho would make me right, and sometimes I prayed for it. At other times I was very careless ; yet these reflections still dwelt on my mind, and often perplexed me. I frequently asked questions about these subjects, but they were often very lightly treated.

Those parts of Scripture were re. presented as very liable to be mistaken, and that they did not require obedience in all the strictness which I seemed to suppose. This well agreed with my carnal mind, and I thus soon quenched those tender convictions : so easy is it to drown the soft voice of the Spirit by carnal reasonings.

I now drew the following reflections: If the Bible does not mean all it seems to speak, with regard to the com. mands of God, certainly the same allowance may be made for its threatenings ; so that I began to believe there was no hell at all, or at least not half so terrible as I had been taught to think. This thought raised in me a dislike to the word of God, and great coldness and carelessness throughout all my conduct. But my adorable Lord did not give me up to the hardness of my heart, but still fol. lowed me with his drawings. Often I thought, perhaps the Bible does mean what it says, and then I am not a Christian; and greatly did I wish to know what was the truth. My sister, who was nearly five years older than 1,

was also under a concern for her soul : she wished to know and do the will of God.

About this time there came a servant maid to live with my father, who had heard of, and felt some little of the power of inward religion. It was among the people called Methodists she had received her instructions. Seeing the uneasiness my sister was under, she took some opportu. nities of conversing with her. I was at this season with my grandmother. On my return home, my sister repeated the substance of these conversations to me.

I well re member the very spot we stood on, and the words she spake, which, though we were but a few minutes together, sunk so deeply into my heart, that they were never after ward erased. My reflections were suited to a child not seven years old. I thought if I became a Methodist, I should be sure of salvation; and determined, if ever I could get to that people, whatever it cost I would be one of them. But after a few conversations, and hearing my sister read some little books which this servant had given to her, I found out it was not the being joined to any people that would save me, but I must be converted, and have faith in Christ; that I was to be saved by believing; and that believing would make me holy, and give me a power to love and serve God.

The servant had now left our family, and we continued like blind persons groping our way in the dark; yet, though we had so far discerned the truth as to express it in the above manner, I could not comprehend it. My heart rose against the idea of being saved by a faith which I could not understand. One day, looking over the pic. tures in the Book of Martyrs, I thought it would be easier to burn than believe; and heartily did I wish that the Papists would come and burn me, and then I thought I should be quite safe. Yet these troubled thoughts were mixed with a degree of hope. I thought, God does love me, I believe, after all; and, perhaps, he will show me what it is to believe and be converted.

When I was between seven and eight years old, musing one day on that thought, What can it be to know my sins forgiven, and to have faith in Jesus? I felt my heart rise against God, for having appointed a way of salvation so hard to be understood ; and with anguish of soul I said, if it were to die a martyr, I could do it; or to give away all I have ; or when grown up to become a servant, that would be easy ; but I shall never know how to believe. In that moment these words were applied with mighty power to my soul,

• Who on Jesus relies, without money or price,

The pearl of forgiveness and holiness buys." They were accompanied with a light and power I had never known before ; and with joy I cried out, I do, I do rely on Jesus; yes, I do rely on Jesus, and God counts me righteous for what he hath done and suffered, and hath forgiven all my sins! I was surprised that I could not find out this before. I had thought every thing easier than to believe; but now I thought the way of believing more easy

than
any
other. A

ray of light into the Gospel plan shone upon my soul, and I began to adore the wonders of redeeming love. But, alas ! it was but as the drops before a shower ; in a few days I lost the power in a great measure,* though not the light of this blessing. I can remember many

promises, after this, being at times brought to my mind. Something also of a confidence in the Lord Jesus I ever retained ; and when fears would spring up concerning the day of judgment, I used to comfort myself with this thought, Jesus is to be the judge, and I cannot be afraid of Jesus. But I had not yet learned that lesson,

“ Man for the simple life Divine

What will it cost to break ?
Ere pleasuro soft, and wily pride,

No more within him speak ?” Some time after I had thus by faith “ tasted of the powers of the world to come,” I fell into an uncommon lowness and weakness of nerves, which was accompanied with grievous temptations. I was oppressed beyond mea. sure with the fear of sin, and accused in almost every thing I said or did, so that I was altogether a heap of in. consistency. This was followed by temptations unspeak. ably afflicting. It was continually suggested to my mind, I had blasphemed against the Holy Ghost. The conse. quent effect of these temptations on my temper, drew on

. She was not favoured at this time with Christian fellowship. She had none to help her in the way of faith. -ED.

me many grievous burdens, and exposed me to so much anger and reproach from my parents, as made me weary of life. It appeared to them that I was obstinate and dis. obedient; and my flesh has seemed ready to move on my bones, when I have heard my dear mother say, “ That girl is the most perverse creature that ever lived; I can. not think what is come to her;" and my heart used to sink like a stone, for I knew not what to do, and the grief of my mind quite destroyed my health. My grandfather and grandmother, who were to me the tenderest of parents, seeing me in such a poor way as to my body, (though they knew not the cause,) desired to have me with them. I grew something better while I was there; but on my return home, I became as bad as ever.

This heavy season lasted, I think, nine weeks; when one day opening my mind to my sister, (as indeed I had often before attempted to do, but could not explain my. self,) she providentially used these words in her answer, “Why, you do not mean to blaspheme, do you ?” A light immediately struck into my mind; I weighed the thought over and over, and could truly say, Lord, thou knowest I do not mean to blaspheme. I then recollected that I had heard something about temptation, and often wondered what it was. I thought, it may be, Satan whispers this into my mind, like what we read about Christian in the Pilgrim's Progress, going through the valley of the shadow of death. I then determined never to regard it more, but always answer with these words, I do not mean to blas. pheme, I will acknowledge Christ for ever; and in a few days I was perfectly delivered. I am the more full on this head, because it has been a warning to me ever since, not to be too severe in passing a judgment on the actions of children, whose reflections are far deeper, and their feelings much keener, than we are apt to imagine.

I was now, I believe, about ten years old, and can recollect many comfortable moments in reading the word of God. The promises in Isaiah were, in a particular man. ner, applied to my soul, and I hardly ever opened the Bible but there was something for me ; till one day I heard a person make this remark, that many people took promises to themselves which did not belong to them. Of some, she observed, they belonged to the Church; others to the Jews; such and such to the Gentiles, &c.; and then be. gan to blame the presumption of those who applied them to their own souls ! Such a thought had never entered my heart before. I knew the words were primarily spoken on particular occasions; but the Lord had led me to believe that his word was written to every soul, so far as they were willing to receive it by faith. But, from the above conversation, I was unhinged.* I knew not what to choose, or what to refuse : so that being cast into rea. sonings, I lost my love for reading the Scriptures, and sunk into a very cold and lifeless state.

When I was twelve years old, we went to Bath for three months. Here I met with many dissipations, and had, I may truly say, no enjoyment of religion ; only when in the midst of the ball room I used to think, if I knew where to find the Methodists, or any who would show me how to please God, I would tear off all my fine things, and run through the fire to them: and sometimes I thought, if ever I am my own mistress, I will spend half the day in working for the poor, and the other half in prayer.

When I was about thirteen, the things of God began to return with more power on my mind. One day my sister, visiting Mrs. Lefevre, found her truly awakened, and in earnest to save her soul. She told me this news with great delight; for as our parents had no suspicion of her being a Methodist, we saw the Lord had opened us a door into that Christian liberty we so much longed after. At her house we got opportunities of conversation with reli. gious persons, which a good deal strengthened our hands, though we often said to each other, These Methodists do not quite answer our expectations; though our time is short with them, they lose much of it before they begin to converse with us about our souls: the apostles would not have done so. But we must not form our judgment by the rich ; let us wait till we get acquainted with some of the poor among them ; perhaps they will be right Metho. dists, and more like the first Christians.

Sometimes that promise was brought powerfully to my mind, “Whatsoever ye shall ask, believing, ye shall re.

* Here again shu felt the want of Christian fellowship.-Ed.

+ Well known in the Methodist connection, by her admirablo letters, published inany years ago.

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