« AnteriorContinuar »
clearly could I see the way for him! and that all his trials arose from his not believing more,—from his not claiming the privilege of his state. Just then I saw clearly for myself also. O my Lord, let thy light ever abide! God is faithful to do for us all we trust him for. Well, I trust to be kept from all sin from all departure from God; and I find it is to me according to my faith.
Last night at the intercession I was not able to speak one word, having such a hoarseness as I never had in my life before. I once attempted to pray, but could not, so I was silent all the rest of the time. I looked on the con. gregation, who were all expecting me to speak to them, and could not even say, I love and pray for you. And it may be, the Lord is about to take this power from me. My eyes fail ; my hand is weak with a rheumatic pain, and I can write but little. My feet fail; I can now walk but a short way. My breath is short, and if my voice be also taken, then I have no more to do, but to care for my own soul and others in silence. Well, I am quite content, and am as willing to be silent as to speak. Othy dear will, my Lord, let it be done for ever!
July 15.--Reading Mr. Valton's experience, I was yes. terday much struck to see the difference between him and me, and my soul has this morning received a fresh con. viction to offer up every thought in a deeper manner than I have ever done. Lord, thou art faithful to keep that which is committed unto thee. I here commit my every thought, with all the powers of my imagination. Lord, keep them in one constant going out after thee!
August 11.- This has been a very solemn week to me. It was six years last Friday since my dear love began to be ill. This year, each scene falling on the same day of the week, as well as the year, brings all afresh before me. Last Sunday was the awful day in which he took his last leave of his Church and people, and began to die in their immediate service! It was our quarterly meeting at the Wood. I was in full exercise all day, and felt my spirit deeply resigned, and a good deal drawn out in the Lord's work, though it was a suffering time. Each day I have passed through every scene, and had some calls to take up other crosses, and to be much employed for the Lord. I feel he sustains me, and gives me to say and fecl, Thy will be done! Last Lord's day I felt a stir. ring up in my soul, with an encouraging hope that I should yet be brought into a closer walk with God than ever. Yesterday was a day of more than common recol. lection. I seemed to bear in mind the nearness of Jesus, and felt all good come from him. I find we have nothing to do but keep uniting our mind to him by faith and love; and if we keep the tree of life, we shall be sure to have each fruit in its season.
August 17.-Last Sabbath was the day which closed the sixth year of my dear love's inheritance in glory. I had many outward calls all day in the work of God, and found support and comfort therein.
“What cannot resignation do?
It wonders can perform!
It lays the loudest storm.” November 15.-It is a great cross, this change in our ministry. Mr. H. going away, now we were so settled, is a trial. Lord, undertake for us, and order in the way thou pleasest. Only let me do as my dear husband ever did, sink under every humiliation and cross, and rise by all nearer to thee! I long to be more abundantly the tem. ple of the Holy Ghost. I feel it is a narrow way. But 0, keep me ever under the atoning blood. I cast me thereon, I rest alone on thee!
I shall now make a few observations. First, I must observe, I have been led all the way through my pilgrim. age by an exercise of faith in a very particular manner. Two great promises have been given to me, on which the Lord hath made me to hope. One in which spiritual and temporal blessings are united ; and the other relating wholly to spiritual things. The first was sealed on my heart in a time of particular trial, at Laytonstone, “ If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up; thou shalt put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles. Then shalt thou lay up gold as the dust, and the gold of Ophir as the stones of the brook ; yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have plenty of silver.” “'Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee; and the light shall shine upon thy ways.” This promise hath supported me through the
rough path in which I was called to walk. But the words of the apostle, impressed on my mind when I was seven. teen years old, viz., 6 If she have lodged strangers ; if she have brought up children ; if she have washed the saints' feet; and diligently followed after every good work,”—the Lord has enabled me also to attend to. After all my wanderings, I am returned to the Almighty; and he hath built me up. Iniquity, glory be to God! is put far from my tabernacles. My beloved nephew is brought to the Lord. My family are pious and upright; nor have I any thing to lament under my roof, as displeasing to God. My prayer seems to have free access to the throne, and the speedy answers amaze me! I wished for a large coin. . modious place for the people to meet in, as their number greatly increases, and though it seemed impossible, it is now accomplished. I wished for a hundred pounds to build a meeting house at the Bank, remembering how much my dear husband desired it. Laying it before the Lord, that word was again applied, “ Thou shalt decree a thing, and it shall be established unto thee; and the light shall shine upon thy ways.” I subscribed thirty pounds, and have now the whole sum ready before the ground is prepared to build it on. I desire nothing, in earth or heaven, but for the glory of God. I feel the Almighty is my defence, and to confirm my faith in spiritual things by temporal, he does give me great plenty of silver.
The other great promise of my life was, “ Thou shalt walk with me in white; I will make thee worthy.” Lord, how far is that accomplished ? O shine on thy poor creature, and let me clearly discern and make known the work of thy hand! Thou art the author of all good.
That salvation I experienced at Hoxton was certainly a drop from the living fountain ; but I had not then a full discovery of sin. Since that time, O what a depth of iniquity, what huge mountains of ingratitude have I mourned over! I once thought I could not set down on a level with the greatest outward sinners. In repeating those lines,
"O might I as the harlot lie,
As those dear feet transfix'd for me!" I have stopped and thought-I fear I am not right. I
cannot feel myself the chief of sinners. I cannot repent of the sins which (through preventing grace) I have not committed. But, alas! the sight I have had of inbred sin; the base departure of my heart from a close walk with God; and the depth of self and pride I have there discovered, is in my eyes more dreadful than outward transgression. I have sometimes looked on those sinners universally despised by men, and felt in my heart that I preferred them to myself, while the depth of “ that carnal mind which is enmity against God,” struggled for the mastery. In these conflicts of soul, how often have I thought, if I did but know there was as great a sinner as myself before the throne, who nevertheless had been here filled with the fulness of God, after all that he had felt and done, it would bring a heaven into my breast ! How often have I wept over those words,
“ If so poor a worm as I
May to thy great glory live.” I feared, though the Lord was gracious, that I must not look to be saved, except as by fire; and that I should never bring that honour to God which my soul desired. But now, glory be to God! that fear is done away. I seem to have forgotten myself! I am wholly taken up with Jesus ! The more I look at him, the more my faith in. creases. He applies to my heart these words, “ The sin of Jacob shall be sought for, and there shall be none; and the iniquity of Israel, and it shall not be found.” He hath shown me the way to rise above the mountains of inbred sin. He hath enabled me in hope to believe against hope, and so come nearer to our great pattern, “ the father of the faithful, who staggered not at the promises, but was strong in faith, giving glory to God !* He is the author and the finisher of my faith !" Yes, he will make us worthy. I sink into nothing, and look at the Lord my righteousness, and I feel those believing views are trans. forming views; and the more entirely I abandon myself into his hands, the more permanent is my peace.
I now praise the Lord, “ that where sin hath abounded,
* O that all who feel their spirit oppressed in beholding these mountains would take this way! How soon would they all sink into a plain !Ed.
grace doth much more abound.” The clear light I have into the mysteries of redeeming love, causes my strains of praise to run the higher. Yes, they shall love him most who have most forgiven! I do not know that I ever feel my will and affections depart from him. I feel a child. like simplicity; and a purity which, it seems to me, my very outward person must express. Yet I am always committing blunders, and even showing roughness; when really there is nothing but love. I used to feel just the contrary. I used to strive to act as a Christian ; but it was a constraint; and though, by the power of God, I kept within the line, yet it was not free and natural. Now I often feel, if I could be turned inside out, I should bring more glory to God than I do. But that there still should be these blemishes in my deportment deeply humbles me, and for inward and outward defects I cry,
“Every moment, Lord, I need
The merit of thy death !” One day, lamenting before the Lord that I did not in my conversation more adorn the truth, it was brought to my mind, that gold must be kept in the fire till purified from all dross ; and that even then it would be liable to be sullied. For that, however, a rub would suffice. This was very different from the purification it needed at first, I must ever be ashamed before him! and if any one igno. rantly ascribes any thing to me, it gives me a pain I cannot express. Yet I think that word is more exempli. fied in me now than when I was at Hoxton, (though I then used the same expression in a lower meaning, “ I live not, but Christ liveth in me.” I now, however, dis. cern such a vastness therein, that I am constrained to cry out,
"A point, my good, a drop, my store,
Eager I thirst, I pant for more!" I am not led to speak much of my state ; I am more drawn to a quiet waiting on Jesus ; but on this occasion I feel a call from the Lord to give my last testimony to his faithfulness. I sit at my Saviour's feet. “I am poor and needy, but the Lord careth for me !” Therefore “I am not afraid for any evil tidings, for my heart standeth fast, believing in the Lord." I think I discern the near