Some nights when I could not lie down for the cough, and want of breath, I felt a sweet sense of the presence of God, and of the heavenly spirits! Not any particular rapture, but a solemn consciousness; and those words were with me continually,— 'Do what thou wilt with this weak clay, June 1.-Blessed be the Lord, I am better, and was enabled to meet the class yesterday morning, though I spoke with difficulty. This morning I have found an increase of faith in reading the 10th chapter of Hebrews. O, that perfect, that complete sacrifice! Yes, he hath once for all paid the whole debt, there is therefore a free and open way into the holiest! I see death so near, I find it on my heart to pray for, and take thought of, the work of God in this place. O, my Saviour, cause it to increase abundantly! Keep away stumbling blocks, and pour out thy Spirit in a peculiar manner on my dear husband's orphans. I could wish Miss Tooth to remain in Madeley, if a way should be made for her, and that she might be able to take in the preachers. I can see no other way so likely and proper; and I think it would be the most comfortable for them. All is in the hand of the Lord. She has the cause of God truly at heart, and if her health is restored, she will, I believe, be very useful to the people. That word I think of with pleasure, All things are beautiful in their season. So I trust I shall find it. O, that death may have no sting for me, and that her way may be opened before her by the Lord! August 4.-Having been told by several persons that a report has got abroad, that my dear Mr. Fletcher expressed a sorrow for having wrote his CHECKS TO ANTINOMIANISM, and that he died in quite a different opinion, I do solemnly aver there is no truth in the assertion. So far from that, a little before his death, speaking of the hurt that so close an application had caused to his health, I said, But thou dost not repent the labour? He replied, "O no, it was a great blessing to my soul. And if my strength was wasted thereby, it was in the cause of truth." I never knew him have the least variation in his sentiments; and I am sure he did not willingly conceal any part of his mind from me, any more than I did from him. I had this morning a solemn look at death. Many complaints seem to be gathering about me, and they seem to portend sufferings; but I feel a spirit of true sacrifice, and those words are sweetly on my mind, "Leave to his sovereign sway To choose and to command, So shalt thou wondering own his way, August 17. From an uncommon hurry of strangers being here, and other circumstances, I have had no time for writing in my journal, though I should have liked to set down many things. All the last week was very solemn; the day of my dear husband's death falling on the Sabbath this year, brought each scene to its own period, and caused me frequently to look back and praise the Lord, who had preserved me in the deep waters through which I at that time passed. I had a most humbling view of the little progress I have since made; yet I found a great confidence in my good Shepherd, whose wise providence I have seen and experienced in a remarkable manner. He does so fit my strength to my day, and orders all in such wonderful mercy, that truly I am constrained to say, (unworthy as I am,) "Round me and beneath are spread The everlasting arms.' September 12.-At eight o'clock this morning, sixtynine years ago, I was born. How many dangers I have passed through! But thy merciful arm has been over me, and proved by a thousand and a thousand ways, that the hairs of my head are indeed numbered. O, my great Deliverer! how hast thou stood by me, and heaped mercy upon mercy on me. September 15.-I feel a fresh beam of light upon my soul! A farther discovery of the extent of the atonement. On Tuesday night, when at prayer, I found the eye of faith grow brighter, and the open fountain more plain be 'fore me. O the liberty the believer hath of coming every moment to the Saviour! If I shut my eyes I may fancy the sun doth not shine; but the veil is not on the sun, but on my eyes. The Saviour saith, Whosoever cometh unto me I will in nowise cast out. Lord, give me ever to feel the sense of this truth which I now do, that every moment I may wash my robes, and both make and keep them white, for thy blood cleanseth from all sin. Blessed be God, another is gone to her rest, our dear sister Benbow, the account of whom, by Miss Tooth, I had not time before to enter. "From what Mrs. Benbow has told me, I have reason to believe she had been under the drawings of God from her earliest youth. Some years since she began to come to the Monday meetings at Madeley. These she found so profitable that, although the difficulty was great owing to her weakness, she would still persevere. These last three years she has been confined by illness, but often expressed her longing desire to be at those opportunities again, if the Lord should permit. Upward of two years ago I went to see her, and I may say I have counted it my privilege and honour to visit her at every opportunity since that time. She drank in instruction from either conversation or reading. The experience and death of the children of God were the delight of her soul. Mr. Fletcher's Letters, and his Appeal, were much blessed to her. Concerning the latter she would say, 'Blessed be God for that book, for it hath taught me the way to Jesus by faith.' When I have been reading to her, observing her pain to be so violent, I have for a time laid the book aside; but she would say, 'No, read on, it does me good it refreshes me, and gives me encouragement. O what should I do if his everlasting arms were not underneath me; but he does sweetly support me, glory be unto him.' "She suffered great pain, even to agony, yet not one murmuring word was heard to drop from her lips. In one minute she would be crying out with the violence of the pain, the next she would be saying Thy will be done, my sweet Saviour! I would suffer all thy will. "I the chief of sinners am, But Jesus died for me.' I feel great peace, and those words are powerfully ap 6 plied, I know that my Redeemer liveth. I can say with David, Though my flesh and my heart faileth, God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever. O that word for ever! There is something so sweet in that word for ever! Another day, as I entered the room, she cried out with triumphant joy, ' His banner over me is love! O the sweet times I have had this last week in reading the Scriptures!' Another time, as I was observing the power of Divine grace in loosing the heart from earthly attachments, she said, 'I prove that; for time was when I seemed to have ten thousand ties to this world, but now I have not one. Jesus has broke every chain.' Through all her sufferings her constant language was blessing and praising the Lord for his goodness; ever declaring all her trust and confidence was in the atoning blood. Often, in the midst of the most exquisite suffering, she would enumerate her mercies, saying, What comforts I am surrounded with! Such tender, affectionate children to nurse me! And, above all, the prayers of God's people. O I cannot tell half the things that call for thankful praise.' When the preachers or Mr. Walter visited her, she has often observed to me with delight what a blessing it was to her. On June 3d she told me she had neither doubt nor fear, nothing disturbed her; and though in the most violent pain, she cried out, 'Not one pain less! I would not have one pain less, if this is thy will, my sweet Lord Jesus!' In the night of the 7th of June she waked, and said, ‘I am quite well! I have neither ache nor pain.' Miss Benbow, who sat up with her, being much affected, and not immediately replying, she again cried out, Nancy, I have neither ache nor pain! Give praise to the Lord! O give thanks to God!' Miss Benbow said, 'And are you happy, mother?' She answered, 'Yes, quite so.' A short time before she departed she said, 'Sweet Jesus, come quickly!' These were the last words she uttered. From this time she lay with a smiling countenance, that bespoke a sweet serenity within; and at the last she went off so quietly that they could scarcely perceive when she drew her last breath, which was on Thursday morning, June 9, 1808." November 12.-Memorable day to me! This day twenty-seven years (the day of my marriage) I was full of anxiety at this hour; but O what cause have I had to rejoice in the transaction of that day! As the morning approached I felt a fresh conviction that this is the day I peculiarly consecrate to my adorable Lord; and I felt it good to wait upon the Lord. My faith was invigorated, and my expectation enlarged. O how little doth all appear to me that is not eternity! December 6.-I have been called since I wrote last to a new dispensation. I had more than two months been lame at times with my right knee, yet walked about, though with some pain. But some days since it grew worse, till last Thursday, when it was so well I could walk without a stick, and thought myself cured. That night, as I was going to bed, in a moment I felt a pain in it which ren. dered me quite helpless. How it will end I know not but I feel a sweetness in repeating, "My Father cannot err, and I will never choose." This trial has been much blessed to me. It brings eternity near. I have also had a deeper conviction of the need of a more earnest pursu. ing after entire holiness, and my mind has been more stayed on the Lord, and kept in more abundant peace. I knew not how I should be got out of the chamber, but we found a chair with wheels, which would go through the doors, so that I can be brought in and out of the study; and such a number of little helps (but to me great ones) has occurred, that I see the hand of my dear Father in all around me as I cannot express. December 13.-Last night I had pain, but, blessed be the Lord, with a mixture of ease and rest. My complaint is said to be an inflammation on the knee bone; but I am affected in various ways. As I had to sit up in bed a good while in the night, I felt it profitable. December 26.-This has been a solemn Christmas to me. Though confined to my room, my soul has been on a stretch for holiness, especially to-day. O what cause of praise! How truly is that promise fulfilled,* “ Do not be frightened, God will make you a comfortable habitation.' And so he doth indeed: and that other word, so often given me of late, "As one whom his mother comforteth, so will I comfort thee." Yes, I can rely on his dear arm, and cling to his will. But O! I long that God * See page 171. |