HAPPY

WHO MAR

UB every

bed on

NEVER open windows. It admits the ys ring fa blacks. If you find any open, shut them a vehema carefully,

his house In sweeping, work the dust well under e servant f drawers, sofas, cabinets, and other pieces tardines of furniture not liable to be moved. If er get your these receptacles are ever discovered, you mbling the can remove the accumulation at once. boiled to

Never disturb the dust on picturef enough frames, ledges, the tops of bureaus, &c., e can you or generally, anywhere where your misf coffeetress is not likely to see it. Dust once diet, or settled is harmless. Meddling with it le remark only sots it in motion to settle someuntil th where else. your w Never hang up, or expose to the air, erful or blankets or bedding. As you have made grunt: the bed people ought to lie upon it, and wspaper the less a bed is disturbed the better it plate, i will look, and the less trouble it will give rant her you.

ag. Nerep Never remove slops in detail. Keep a ther you large part in some out-of-the-way place, nd be card and let them accumulate. Why should ou are cat you take many journeys, when one will expresserve the purpose ?

be sure t Find a place in or about the bed-rooms L Wha for stowing away blacklead brushes, ve a last dusters, dust-pans, hearth-brooms, and as oppo similar articles, where your mistress is you toll not likely to find them, and by resort to ore to which you may spare yourself the fatigue at to dof running up and down stairs. If you hances have no other place, put them under a ping it spare bed.

you got

after you

draw t your

u make Just he h itself,

before

treat.

I WOULD I were a stickleback,

And lived upon a mountain,

I'd curl my tail, and purr, and quack,
Like sparrows in a fountain.
What joy through icy fire to dart,
Upon a cobweb swinging,

And give my love my sunburnt heart,
While evening drums are ringing!

Yet rather would I wish to be
An elegant young spider,
To treat my love to imps and tea,
And sit and sing beside her.
Then would we fly to Etna Green,
With bluebottles behind us,
And hidden in a soup tureen,
No mortal eye should find us!

JONES'S MEDITATIONS.

WHEN a lady asks if you admire her dress, she expects you to express your admiration of herself.

The time that women waste in studying the looking-glass men more sensibly employ in studying the dinner carte.

If you wish to know the value that is set on your society, announce that you intend to give up giving parties, and then count the invitations you continue to receive.

It is a sure sign of departing juvenility, when one has no longer an appetite for buns.

Whom do ladies dress themselves to please? Surely not the gentlemen, or they would never stand in such terror as they seem to do of one another's criticism.

Imitation is the homage that dulness pays to genius. Such homage is paid constantly at the throne of the great Punch.

CRINOLINE FOR DOMESTIC USE. Domestic. "BOTHER MISSUS! SHE WEARS IT HERSELF, AND I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULDN'T."

BY A MAN WHO MARRIED LATE.

WHEN any of your wife's relatives are staying in the house, do all you can to snub them and to make their visit wretched; but when any of your family happen to be with you, take every opportunity of saying in her hearing that you fear she terribly neglects them in your absence. Never pay a house-keeping account without a grumble, and always scrutinise each item as sharply as you can, and hint that shawls and bonnets are now and then put down, you think, among the "Sundries." If your wife is a proficient as a pianist or singer, do all within your power to discourage her from practising; and then, when at a party she fails somewhat to exhibit her usual execution, hint that ladies when they marry grow sometimes sadly lazy. In short, do all you can to snub, vex, trouble, aggravate, and torment your wife, and it will not be your fault if, to yourself as well as her, your home is made most happy.

MR. SOWERBY'S SEASONS.

SUMMER.

WHILST the sun shines make your hay.
Yonder see the tempest lower.
Now the forked lightnings play;

Now descends the thunder-shower.

How the lads and lasses flee

Fast away as doe and buck,

Seeking shelter 'neath a tree:

Where they're likely to be struck.

WISH FOR JUNE.

Mistress. Sarah! At last! Provide yourself by this day month.

Sarah. It ain't late, M'm; and please, M'm, my cousin

Mistress. Don't answer me, and don't dare to speak to me of your cousin. You were to be home by nine, and it is halfpast eleven, wicked, rude, ungrateful girl. Go to bed.

Surah. I wish there was no WhitMonday. (Blubbering).

QUESTION FOR SOLICITORS.-What nasty thing has more limbs than a centipede? The Law.

HALF A CENTURY HENCE.

(Extracts from the Diary of EVELYN PEPYS JONES.

"August 8. This being my birth-day, my wife gives me a new gun, and the lease of a good moor, both bought with her saved pin-money. How much wiser is this way of spending her spare money than in squandering it absurdly on acres of fine dresses, as our grandmothers were wont to do some fifty years ago! And what hideous frights they looked in their Crinoline and flounces, and feathered pork-pie hats and cramping high-heeled boots, the Punch papers of the period, which one sees in every drawing-room, sufficiently well prove.

"September 1. A glorious day's shooting with my friend CRACKSHOT in Suffolk. We start quietly at ten after a cigar, and bag ten brace apiece before we have our lunch. Total bag at finish five-and-twenty brace of birds, leash of hares, two couple of rabbits and a snipe; all, except the latter, shot fairly from a point. How much more pleasant this than the unsportsmanlike old way of going out in a great party without a single pointer, and counting one's day's pleasure only by the quantity of game that one could bag! Such follies as battues are now completely out of date, and it is thought the height of snobbism to endeavour to revive them. Certainly in some respects we have improved upon our ancestors, although, judging by their writings, they thought themselves as near perfection as was possible to be."

WISH FOR JULY.

Schoolboy. It don't rain, Ma, at least not much. You might let a fellow go out. Ma. Charles, I will not hear of it, and your pertinacity is disrespectful to a parent. It rains fast, and your new clothes will be entirely spoiled.

Schoolboy. No, they won't, Ma.

Ma. I repeat that they will, Charles. Don't look black at the weather. We

have always rain at this time.

Shoolboy. I wish there was no St. Swithin's Day. (Scratching paint off somewhere.)

MEDICAL DOMESTIC ECONOMY.-Stale dry bread is a very effectual check to juvenile consumption.

TOO DELICATE BY HALF.

Sensitive Party. "HOLLO! HOLD 'ARD A MINNIT, MARY, YOU'RE A SMOTHERING VUN WITH DUST!"

JONES'S MEDITATIONS.

THAT man may be considered happy in his choice who can take his wife down Regent Street without stopping at a shawl-shop.

Monstrous is the appetite of youth. Nevertheless untoasted muffins are not easily demolished.

As thorns are to the rose, so are pins to lovely woman. A female in full dress is never unprotected.

It is said that, as a rule, favours ought to be returned. But to this rule clearly there are some exceptions. Who for instance ever dreams of returning Wedding Favours?

Surely that man may be envied who can eat pork chops for supper and sleep without a grunt.

Milliners' bills are the tax which the male sex has to pay for the beauty of the female.

Alas! my son, how fleeting is all earthly bliss! Did you ever meet a man who greatly cared for turtle soup after the fourth plateful?

SONG BY MR. SOWERBY.

AT AN EVENING PARTY.

MANY a couple past us whirls,

Fine young fellows, handsome girls. Pleasing spectacle to view," Spectacles albeit through.

Madam, mark yon fair young maid;

Sir, observe that well-built blade. Once, perhaps, like her and him, You were graceful, smart, and slim.

WISH FOR AUGUST.

The Sovereign. I am sure, my dear LORD PALMERSTON, that I am glad to release you from your labours

Lord Palmers on. Permit me to beg, your Majesty, that you will not call them so. Some of the older men feel them, but as for me

The Sovereign. Well, well, but we must not spur a willing horse. I am very happy to think the holidays begin.

Lord Palmerston. I wish there was no Prorogation Day. (Bowing).

WHEN you open your heart, be always ready to slam it to again.

HALF A CENTURY HENC (Extract from the Diary of EVE PEPYS JONES.)

Sept. 7. The cheap nights at Opera having now commence treat my wife and her man to a couple of pit stalls, for e of which I pay two shillings, of opera-glass included. thankful we should be that VERDI reign is over, and that tide of favour has again set in GLÜCK, ROSSINI, and MOZAI The same good taste is show moreover, at the theatres. Tras farces and burlesques no lon are considered the main featu of our stage; and now t managers have sense enough abolish fees to box-keepers, a all such impositions, to ventil their theatres and make comfo able seats, and to limit each p formance to the playing of piece, the drama is of course a most flourishing condition.

ACROBATIC ARITHMETIC (For the use of Proprietors of Pla

of Public Entertainment.) THREE stumbles make one fall, Three falls, one broken neck, Three broken necks, one succes Three successes, one inquest.

FACT OF COMMON LIFE.-You is commonly considered to be i genuous and inexperienced T common, however, is a field observation on which we m learn that, notwithstanding a that is said of green geese, young goose is much more down than an old one.

DESCRIBE A HOME-CIRCLE.The Wedding Ring.

THE VESTRY FIAT.

To your new-fangled ways and means,
We still prefer our stale ways:
We'll neither have street-railway trains,
Nor yet have TRAIN'S street-railways.

"No HIT AGAIN, I'M AFRAID, TIM!"

A LITTLE SHOOTING IN IRELAND.