on the helpless spirits, that fate had shut up in misery beyond the reach of help, or hope, and felt my heart to complain for them; but on a sudden I would feel frighted, to think that I dare complain against the decrees of God, and though I could see no justice in his doings, yet I feared his power.

I would reason from time to time, and then would fear to reason. I would complain and then through fear would strive to force my heart to say, the Lord is good.But all were wrong. At last I was brought to consider my situation more fearful than ever I had done before. I thought there was not a being on earth so unworthy as myself. I thought if God had elected any to salvation, he would elect thousands before he could receive a creature unworthy as I was. more I considered, the more unworthy I felt, and the less probable I viewed my chance in the election of God. Sometimes I wished that I had never been born-sometimes I wished that I had been a snake or any thing but that which had a soul and chance for hell.

The

I continued in this thraldom of mind for many months, but dare not open my mouth to any person for fear they would find out my feelings; but my feelings were too evident to be hid, my mates soon began to discover a change in my conduct, my mind was less willing to engage in plays and projects than usual. Whilst I was with my mates, I found a great cross to subdue my natural propensi

ties, and it was not uncommon that my mind was brought to reflect on the missteps I had made during the day, and sleep gave place to sore reflections upon my pillow. My mind at last became so taken up and concerned about myself, that my mind was untrusty in the common business of life. It was not uncommon that I was interrogated again, and again, before I knew to answer, and I was often blamed by the family with whom I lived for inattention to business. My mind was continually filled with a sense of death, judgment and eternity, so that there was but little room for any thing else. The more I thought on myself the more unworthy I felt, and the less I indulged, favorable hopes concerning myself. As I had no hopes but what lay in a particular election, I soon gave up all hopes of ever knowing as to my particular election or reprobation in this life, so my mind turned more particularly on death, as the time to decide my doubtful case. I knew was irresistible, and was furnished with a thousand means to end my days.I felt as if there was but a step between me and eternity, and it appeared that all the powers of heaven and earth were combined against me. The thunder storm was dreadful to me as a judgment day; every vivid flash of lightning seemed to be but the forerunner of the next, which might send me to eternity; and no sooner was the storm over than I congratulated myself that I was yet in

Death

the land of the living, and my soul had not been brought to feel the hell of partial power. All was well until the next storm arose, when I would plead with God as with a tyrant, to spare my life a little longer. At other times, the rustling of a leaf was sufficient (speaking after the manner of men) to set my hair in end upon my head, at noon day.

Something like one year had passed under dreadful apprehension, when I began to take more particular pains to attend meetings.As I was now living in the town and county of Saratoga, I frequently sought opportunities to hear the preaching of the Calvinist-baptists, as the people with whom I lived held a great dislike to the Methodist and other denominations. Among the Calvinists I frequently heard a preacher speak, by the name of Langworthy, who lived in the village of Ballston. This man's preaching was more to me than all the preaching I heard beside; but all did not effect to remove the burthen which lay heavy on my mind, or remove that misconception which I had imbibed of the character of God. He appeared to me a being whom I must reverence, because he was a God of power, and not because he was lovely. My mind at last came to the very verge of despair. I once sat and wept over my condition, and in the bitterness of my soul wiped my tears with my shirt-sleeves, until I could not find a dry place to serve the use of a pocket handkerchief any longer.

The time at last drew on, when the Lord in his goodness saw fit to assuage my grief, wipe away my tears and remove the false notion which I had imbibed of his character.One day as I was going from the house to the spring for a pail of water, just as I was descending a steep pitch, and on a quick pace, unexpectedly and unaccountably to me, a confidence towards God, filled my soul, and apparently a light shone around me-the burthen of my mind was gone in the twinkling of an eye. My soul was filled with love to God, and every creature which he had made. Sin looked indescribably sinful, and holiness looked to me to be as beautiful as sin was hateful. Whereas my mind had viewed the character of God in the most unfavorable point of view, it was impossible now for me to imagine any thing else half so lovely; the very thoughts of the divine being seemed to afford a heaven to my mind. The whole face of nature seemed to be changed into a field of pleasantness, every thing I saw bespoke the happiness which I felt, and I thought sorrow never could return again; my mind was completely clear and calm-there was not a cloud in all the region of my mind. All were well. The parched ground was made a pool of water-the wilderness seemed to blossom as the rose-the solitary was glad, and the trees clapped their hands for joy. My eyes now saw out of darkness and out of absurdity, and my soul was filled with

praise. Happy moment indeed! and the first real peace I had known for eighteen months. My mind seemed to be possessed of such an eternal power, that it seemed to comprehend every thing in a minute; and indeed, it was but a minute; for in the midst of my joy a doubt arose in my mind, as to the source from whence my feelings might arise, and no sooner than I gave way to doubts, the comprehension of my mind was eclipsed, and a degree of darkness ensued. My joys seemed to me like a vision, and like the wind I could not tell from whence it came, or whither it went. But notwithstanding the vision was in a great degree gone from me, I was left with a calm, serene mind, and with a mind relative to the character of God very different from what it had usually been. The doctrine of decrees and reprobation, which I had heard so much advocated for, was the first thing that the spirit of God had taught më was false.

When I consider how much my mind suffered, I attribute it much to the false notion which I had prepossessed from the false creeds of men. It is not the will of God that his creatures, should crouch under a slavish fear of him; nay, men should repent, and become sincerely sorry for sin, and then by faith come to God as to a fountain of infinite goodness; believing that "he is ;" and tho' they wait long for him, yet that in due time he will be a rewarder of them who diligently