126 ANNUS MIRABILIS: OR, The wonderful effects of the approaching conjunction of the planets Jupiter, Mars, and Saturn. By MART. SCRIBLERUS, Philomath. In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas Suppofe every body is fufficiently apprifed of, and duly prepared for, the famous conjunction to be celebrated the 29th of this inftant December 1722, foretold by all the fages of antiquity under the name of the annus mirabilis, or the metamorphoftical conjunction: a word which denotes the mutual transformation of fexes, (the effect of that configuration of the celestial bodies), the human males being to be turned into females, and the human females into males. The Egyptians have reprefented this great transformation by feveral fignificant hieroglyphics, particularly one very remarkable. There are carved upon an obelisk, a barber and a mid-wife: the barber delivers his razor to the midwife, and the her fwadling-cloaths to the barber. Accordingly Thales Milefius, (who, like the reft of his countrymen, borrowed his learning from the Egyptians), after having computed the time of this famous conjunction, Then, fays he, shall men and women mutually exchange the pangs of fhaving and childbearing. Anaximander modeftly defcribes this metamophofis in mathematical terms: Then, fays he, shall the negative quantity of the women be turned into pofitive, their—into tx (i. e.) their minus into plus. Plato Plato not only speaks of this great change, but defcribes all the preparations towards it. "Long before the bodily transformation," fays he, " nature shall begin "the most difficult part of her work, by changing the "ideas and inclinations of the two fexes: men fhall turn effeminate, and women manly; wives fhall domineer, "and hufbands obey; ladies fhall ride a-horfeback, dref"fed like cavaliers; princes and nobles appear in night"rails and petticoats; men fhall Squeak upon theatres "with female voices, and women corrupt virgins; lords "fhall knot and cut paper; and even the northern people, ἀρσένα κύπριν ὀρινῶν : A phrafe (which for modefty's fake I forbear to tranflate) which denotes a vice too frequent amongst us. That the miniftry forefaw this great change, is plain from the callico-act; whereby it is now become the occupation of the women all over England to convert their ufeless female habits into beds, window-curtains, chairs, and joint-ftools; undreffing themselves, as it were, beFore their transformation. The philofophy of this transformation will not seem furprifing to people who fearch into the bottom of things. Madam Bourignon, a devout French lady, has fhewn us, how man was at firft created male and female in one individual, having the faculty of propagation within himfelf: a circumstance neceflary to the state of innocence, wherein a man's happiness was not to depend upon the caprice of another. It was not till after he had made a faux pas, that he had his female mate. Many fuch tranfformations of individuals have been well attefted; particularly one by Montaigne, and another by the late Bishop of Salisbury. From all which it appears, that this fystem of male and female has already undergone, and may hereafter fuffer, feveral alterations. Every fmatterer in anatomy knows, that a woman is but an introverted man a new fufion and flatus will turn the hollow bottom of a bottle into a convexity: but I forbear for the fake of my modeft men-readers, who are in a few days to be virgins. In fome fubjects the fmalleft alterations will do: fome men are fufficiently spread about the hips, and contrived with that female foftnefs, that they want only the negative quantity to make them buxom wenches; and there are women who are, as it were, already the ebauche* of a good sturdy man. If nature could be puzzled, it will be how to bestow the redundant matter of the exuberant bubbies that now appear about town, or how to roll out the fhort dapper fellows into well-fized women. This great conjunction will begin to operate on Saturday the 29th inftant. Accordingly about eight at night, as Senezino fhall begin at the opera, Si videte, he shall be obferved to make an unusual motion; upon which the audience will be affected with a red fuffufion over their countenance: and becaufe a ftrong fuccuffion of the mafcles of the belly is neceffary towards performing this great operation, both fexes will be thrown into a profufe involuntary laughter. Then, to ufe the modeft terms of Anaximander, ball negative quantity be turned into pofitive, &c. Time never beheld, nor will it ever affemble fuch a number of untouched virgins within those walls! but, alas! fuch will be the impatience and curiofity of people to act in their new capacity, that many of them will be completed men and women that very night. To prevent the diforders that may happen upon this occafion, is the chief defign of this paper. Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this conjunction to compass their filthy purposes. They tell the ladies forfooth, that it is only parting with a perifhable commodity, hardly of fo much value as a callico under-petticoat; fince, like its miftrefs, it will be ufelefs in the form it is now in. If the ladies have no regard to the dishonour and immorality of the action, I defire they will confider, that nature, who never deftroys her own productions, will exempt big-bellied women till the time of their lying-in; fo that not to be transformed will be the fame as to be pregnant. If they do not think it worth while to defend a fortrefs, that is to be demolished in a few days, let them reflect, that it will be a melancholy thing nine months hence to be brought to bed of a baftard; a pofthumous baftard, as it were, to which the quondam father can be no more than a dry nurfe. This wonderful transformation is the inftrumentofnature to balance matters between the fexes. The cruelty * Sketch, rough draught, or eff.y. of of fcornful miftreffes fhall be returned; the flighted maid fhall grow into an imperious gallant, and reward her undoer with a big belly and a bastard. It is hardly poffible to imagine the revolutions that this wonderful phænomenon will occafion over the face of the earth. I long impatiently to fee the proceedings of the parliament of Paris, as to the title of fucceffion to the crown; this being a cafe not provided for by the Salique law. There will be no preventing diforders among friars and monks; for certainly vows of chastity do not bind, but under the fex in which they were made. The fame will hold good with marriages, though I think it will be a fcandal amongst Proteftants for hufbands and wives to part, fince there remains still a poffibility to perform the debitum conjugale, by the hufband being femme couverte. I fubmit it to the judgment of the gentlemen of the long robe, whether this transformation does not difcharge all fuits of rapes. The Pope muft undergo a new groping; but the falfe prophet Mahomet has contrived matters well for his fucceffors; for as the Grand Signior has now a great many fine women, he will then have as many fine young gentlemen, at his devotion. Thefe are furprifing fcenes; but I beg leave to affirm, that the folemn operations of nature are fubjects of contemplation, not of ridicule. Therefore I make it my earneft request to the merry fellows, and giggling girls. about town, that they would not put themfelves in a high twitter, when they go to vifit a general lying in of his first child; his officers ferving as midwives, nurfes, and rockers difpenfing caudle; or if they behold the Reverend prelates dreffing the heads and airing the linen at court; I beg they will remember that thefe offices must be filled with people of the greateft regularity, and best characters. For the fame reafon I am forry, that a certain prelate, who, notwithftanding his confinement", ftill preferves his healthy, chearful countenance, cannot come in time to be a nurse at court. I likewife earnestly intrcat the maids of honour, (then enfigns and captains of the guards), that at their first fet * In December 1723. ting out they have fome regard to their former ftation; and do not run wild through all the infamous houses about town that the present grooms of the bedchamber (then maids of honour) would not eat chalk and lime in their green-fickness: and in general, that the men would remember they are become retromingent, and not by inadvertency lift up against walls and pofts. Petticoats will not be burdenfome to the clergy; but balls and affemblies will be indecent for fome time. As for you, coquettes, bawds, and chamber-maids, (the future minifters, plenipotentiaries, and cabinet-counJellors to the princes of the earth), manage the great intrigues that will be committed to your charge, with your ufual fecrecy and conduct; and the affairs of your mafters will go better than ever. O ye exchange-women! (our right worshipful reprefentatives that are to be), be not fo griping in the fale of your ware as your predeceffors, but confider that the nation, like a spendthrift heir, has run out: be likewise a little more continent in your tongues than you are at prefent, elfe the length of debates will spoil your dinners. You housewifely good women, who now prefide over the confectionary, (henceforth commiffioners of the treaJury), be fo good as to difpenfe the fugar-plums of the government with a more impartial and frugal hand. Ye prudes and cenforious old maids (the hopes of the bench), exert but your ufual talent of finding faults, and the laws will be ftrictly executed; only I would not have you proceed upon fuch slender evidences as you have done hitherto. It is from you, eloquent oyfter-merchants of Billingfgate, (juft ready to be called to the bar, and quoifed like your fifter-ferjeants), that we expect the shortening the time, and leffening the expenfes of law-fuits: for I think you are observed to bring your debates to a short iffue; and even cuftom will reftrain you from taking the oyfier, and leaving only the bell to your client. O ye phyficians, who in the figure of old women are to clean the tripe in the markets, fcour it as effectually as you have done that of your patients, and the town will fare moft deliciously on Saturdays. I cannot but congratulate human nature upon this happy |