CHAP. I. The character of John Bull's mother *. OHN had a mother, whom he loved and honoured JOHN extremely, a difcreet, grave, fober, good-conditioned, cleanly, old gentlewoman as ever lived; she was none of your cross-grained, termagant, fcolding jides, that one had as good be hanged as live in the houfe with, fuch as are always cenfuring the conduct, and telling feandalous ftories of their neighbours; extolling their own good qualities, and undervaluing thofe of others. On the contrary, he was of a meek fpirit, and as she was strictly virtuous herself, fo fhe always put the best construction upon the words and actions of her neighbours, except where they were irreconcileable to the rules of honefty and decency. She was neither one of your precife prudes, nor one of your fantaftical old belles, that drefs themfelves like girls of fifteen as the neither wore a ruff, fore-head cloth, nor high-crowned hat, fo she had laid afide feathers, flowers, and crimpt ribbons in her headdrefs, furbelow fcarfs, and hooped petticoats. She scorned to patch and paint, yet the loved to keep her hands and her face clean. Though the wore no flaunting laced ruffles, fhe would not keep herfelf in a conftant fweat with gseafy flannel: though her hair was not ftuck with jewels, he was afhamed of a diamond crofs; the was not like fome ladies, hung about with toys and trinkets, tweezer-cafes, pocket-glaffes, and effence bottles; the ufed only a gold watch and an almanack, to mark the hours and the holy-days. Her furniture was neat and genteel, well fancied with a bon gouft. As the affected not the grandeur of ftate with a canopy, fhe thought there was no offence in an elbow-chair; he had laid afide your carving, gilding, and japan work, as being too apt to gather dirt; but he never could be prevailed upon to part with plain wainscot and clean hangings. There are fome ladies, that affect to • The church of England. fmell smell a flink in every thing; they are always highly per fumed, and continually burning frankincenfe in their rooms; she was above fuch affectation, yet fhe never would lay afide the ufe of brooms and fcrubbing-brushes, and fcrupled not to lay her linen in fresh lavender. She was no less genteel in her behaviour, well-bred, without affectation, in the due mean between one of your affected curt'fying pieces of formality, and your romps that have no regard to the common rules of civili ty. There are fome ladies, that affect a mighty regard for their relations; We must not eat to-day, for my uncle Tom, or my cousin Betty, died this time ten years: us have a ball to night, it is my neighbour fuch a one's birth-day; fhe looked upon all this as grimace; yet the conftantly obferved her husband's birth-day, her weddingday, and fome few more, let Though he was a truly good woman, and had a fin. cere motherly love for her fon John, yet there wanted not those who endeavoured to create a mifunderstanding between them, and they had fo far prevailed with him once, that he turned her out of doors †, to his great forrow, as he found afterwards, for his affairs went on at fixes and fevens. She was no lefs judicious in the turn of her conversation and choice of her studies, in which the far exceeded all her fex: your rakes, that hate the company of all fober, grave gentlewomen, would bear hers; and the would, by her handfome manner of proceeding, fooner reclaim them than some that were more fower and referved: she was a zealous preacher up of chastity, and con. jugal fidelity in wives, and by no means a friend to the new-fangled doctrine of the indifpenfable duty of cuckol dom though the advanced her opinions with a becoming affurance, yet she never ufhered them in, as fome pofitive creatures will do, with dogmatical affertions, this is infallible; I cannot be miflaken; none but a rogue can deny it. It has been obferved, that fuch people are ofteuer in the wrong than any body. Though fhe had a thousand good qualities, fhe was not without her faults, amongft which one might perhaps + In the rebellion of 1641. reckon reckon too great lenity to her fervants, to whom the always gave good council, but often too gentle correcti on. I thought I could not fay lefs of John Bull's mother, because she bears a part in the following transacti• ons. CHA P. II. The character of John Bull's fifter Pegt, with the quarrels that happened between master and miss in their childhood. JOHN had a fifter, a poor girl that had been ftarved Jat nurfe; any body would have gueffled Mils to have been bred up under the influence of a cruel ftep-dame, and John to be the fondling of a tender mother. Jobn looked ruddy and plump, with a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter; Mifs looked pale and wane, as if he had the green fickness; and no wonder, for John was the darling; be had all the good bits, was crammed with good pullet, chicken, pig, goole, and capon, while Mifs had only a little oatmeal and water, or a dry crust without butter. John had his golden pippins, peaches, and nectarines; poor Mifs a crab-apple,floe, or a blackberry. Master lay in the best apartment, with his bed-chamber towards the fouth fun. Mifs lodged in a garret, expofed to the north-wind, which shrivelled her countenance; however, this ufage, though it ftinted the girl in her growth, gave her a hardy conftitution; fhe had life and fpirit in abundance, and knew when he was ill used: now and then The would feize upon John's commons, fnatch a leg of a pullet, or a bit of good beef, for which they were fure to go to fifty-cuffs. Mafter was indeed too ftrong for her; but Mifs would not yield in the leaft point, but even when Mafter had got her down, fhe would fcratch and bite like a tyger; when he gave her a cuff on the ear, fhe would prick him with her knitting needle. John brought a great chain one day to tye her to the bed-post; for which affront, Mils aimed a pen-knife at his heart . In d. The nation and church of S- In fhort, these quarrels grew up to rooted averfions; they gave one another nick names: fhe called him gundy guts, and he called her lonfy Peg; though the girl was a tight clever wench as any was, and through her pale looks you might difcern fpirit and vivacity, which made her not, indeed, a perfect beauty, but fomething that was agreeable. It was barbarous in parents not to take notice of thefe early quarrels, and make them live better together, fuch domeftic feuds proving afterwards the occafion of misfortunes to them both. Peg had, indeed, fome odd humours, and comical antipathy, for which John wou d jeer her. "What think you of my fifter Peg, fays he, that faints at the found of an organ, and yet will "dance and frisk at the noise of a bag-pipe?" "What's "that to you, gundy guts, quoth Peg, every body's "to chufe their own mufic." Then Peg had taken a fancy not to fay her Pater nofter, which made people imagine ftrange things of her. Of the three brothers, that have made fuch a clutter in the world, Lord Peter, Martin, and Jack, Jack had of late been her inclinations*: Lord Peter the detefted: nor did Martin ftand much better in her good graces, but Jack had found the way to her heart. I have often admired, what charms The difcovered in that aukward booby, till I talked with a perfon that was acquainted with the intrigue, who gave me the following account of it. CHA P. III. Fack's charms †, or the method by which he gained Peg's I heart. N the first place, Jack was a very young fellow, by much the youngest of the three brothers, and people, reign, offered his daughter Mary to James V. of Scotland; this offer was rejected, and followed by a war: to this event probably the author alludes. *Love of prefbytery. + Character of the Presbyterians. VOL. V. T indeed indeed, wondered how fuch a young upstart jackanapes fhould grow fo pert and faucy, and take fo much upon him. Jack bragged of greater abilities than other men; he was well-gifted, as he pretended; I need not tell you what fecret influence that has upon the ladies. Jack had a moft fcandalous tongue, and perfuaded Peg that all mankind, befides himself, were poxed by that fcarlet faced whore Signiora Bubonia *. « As for his brother, Lord Peter, the tokens were evident on "him, blotches, fcabs, and the corona: his brother "Martin, though he was not quite fo bad, had fome nocturnal pains, which his friends pretended were on "ly fcorbutical; but he was fure it proceeded from a "worse cause." By fuch malicious infinuations, he had poffeffed the Lady, that he was the only man in the world of a found, pure, and untainted constitution: tho' there were fome that stuck not to fay, that Signiora Bu bonia and Jack railed at one another, only the better to hide an intrigue; and that Jack had been found with Sig niora under his cloak, carrying her home in a dark stor my night. Jack was a prodigious ogler; he would ogle you the outfide of his eye inward, and the white upward. Jack gave himself out for a man of a great estate in the fortunate iflands; of which the fole property was vefted in his perfon: by this trick he cheated abundance of poor people of fmall fums, pretending to make over plantations in the faid islands; but when the poor wretches came there with Jack's grant, they were beat, mocked, and turned out of doors. I told you that Peg was whimsical, and loved any thing that was particular: in that way, Jack was her man, for he neither thought, fpoke. dreffed, nor acted like other mortals: he was for your bold ftrokes, he railed at fops, though he was himself the most affected in the world; inftead of the common fashion, he would vifit his mistress in a mourning cloak, band, fhort cuffs, and a peaked beard. He invented a way of coming into a room back wards, which, he faid, fhewed more humility, and lefs The whore of Babylon, or the Pope. affectation |