then he was never out of the way that he was extreme. ly diligent about every body's business, but his own: that the faid Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks; when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like a Harlequin, ridi. culing her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion: that he used often to trip up ftairs fo finoothly, that you could not hear him tread, and put all things out of order: that he would pinch the children and fervants, when he met them in the dark, fo hard, that he left the print of his fore finger and thumb in black and blue, and then flunk into a cor. ner, as if no body had done it out of the fame malici ous defign he used to lay chairs and joint-ftools in their way, that they might break their notes by falling over them the more young and unexperienced he uled to teach to talk faucily, and call names: during his stay in the family, there was much plate mifling; being catched with a couple of filver fpoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off, he faid, he was only going to car ry them to the goldfimith's to be mended: that the faid Timothy was hated by all the honeft fervants for his illconditioned, fplenetic tricks, but especially for his flanderous tongue; traducing them to their mistrefs, as drunk. ards, thieves, and whore-mafters: that the faid Timo thy by lying flories ufed to let all the family together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel; particularly one day fitting at table*, he fpoke words to this effect: "I am of opinion, quoth he, that little short "fellows, fuch as we are, have better hearts, and could "beat the tall fellows; I wish it came to a fair trial; I "believe thefe long fellows, as fightly as they are, "fhould find their jackets well thwacked " A parcel of tall fellows, who thought themselves affronted by the difcourfe, took up the quarrel, and to it they went, the tall men and the low men, which conticues ftill a fiction in the family, to the great diforder of The original of the distinction in the names of Low-churchen and High-church-men. Qur our mistress's affairs: the faid Timothy carried this frolic fo far, that he propofed to his miftref, that the fhould entertain no fervant that was above four foot leven inches 66 high; and for that purpole had prepared a gauge, by which they were to be meatured. The good old gentle woman was not fo fimple, as to go into his project; fhe began to fmell a rat. This Trim, quoth the," is an "odd fort of a fellow; methinks he makes a firange fi gure with that ragged, tattered coat, appearing under his livery; cannot he go fpruce and clean, like the reft "of the fervants? the fellow has a roguifh leer with him, "which I do not like by any means; befides, he has fuch 66 a twang in his difcourfe, and an ungraceful way of "fpeaking through the nose, that one can hardly under"ftand him; I wish the fellow be not tainted with fome "bad difeafe." The witneffes farther made oath, that the faid Timothy lay out a- nights, and went abroad often at unfeafonable hours; and it was credibly reported, he did bufinefs in another family: that he pretended to have a fqueamish ftomach, and could not eat at table with the rest of the fervants, though this was but a pretence to provide fome nice bit for himself; that he refuled to dine upon falt-fifh, only to have an opportuinty to eat a calf's head (his favourite difh) in private; that for all his tender ftomach, when he was got by himself, he could devour capons, turkeys, and firloins of beef, like a cor morant. Two other witneffes gave the following evidence: that in his officious attendance upon his mistress, he had tried to flip a powder into her drink; and that he was once catched endeavouring to stifle her with a pillow as fhe was afleep that he and Ptfchirnfooker were often in close conference, and that they used to drink together at the Rofe, where it feems he was well enough known by his true name Jick. The prifoner had little to fay in his defence; he endeavoured to prove himself alibi; so that the trial turned upon this fingle queftion, whether the faid Timothy Trim and Jick were the fame perfon; which was proved by fuch plain tokens, and particulary by a mole under the left pap, that there was no withstanding the evidence ; there therefore the worshipful Mr Justice committed hin ́in order to his trial. CHAP. XII. How Jack's friends came to vifit him in prison, and what advice they gave bim. ACK hitherto had paffed in the world for a poor, fimple, well meaning, half-witted, crack-brained People were strangely furprized to find him in fuch a roguery; that he should dilguife himself under a falfe name, hire himself out for a fervant to an old gen tlewo nan, only for an opportunity to poifon her. They faid, that it was more generous to profefs open enmity, than, under a profound diffimulation, to be guilty of fuch a fcandalous breach of truft, and of the facred rights of hofpitality. In fhort, the action was univerfally con demned by his best friends; they told him in plain terms, that this was come as a judgment upon him for his loose life, his gluttony, drunkennels, and avarice; for laying afide his father's will in an old mouldy trunk, and turning stock-jobber, news-monger, and bufy-body, meddling with other people's affairs, thaking off his old ferious friends, and keeping company with buffoons and pickpockets, his father's worn enemics: that he had best throw him felf upon the mercy of the court; repent and change his manners. To lay truth, Jack had heard thefe difcourfes with fome compunction; however, he refolved to try what his new acquaintance woud do for him: they fent Habbakkuk Slyboots *, who delivered him the following meffage, at the peremptory commands of his trufty companions. Habbakkuk. Dear Jack, I am forry for thy misfortune: matters have not been carried on with due fecrecy; how ever we must make the best of a bad bargain: thou art in the utmost jeopardy, that is certain; bang, draw, and *Habbakkuk Slyboots, a certain great man who perfuaded the diffenters to confent to the bill against occafional conformity, as being for their interest. quarter, quarter, are the gentleft things they talk of. However, thy faithful friends, ever watchful for thy fecurity, bid me tell thee, that they have one infallible expedient left to five thy life: thou must know, we have got into fome understanding with the enemy, by the means of Don Diego; he affures us there is no mercy for thee, and that there is only one way left to escape; it is indeed fomewhat out of the common road; however, be affured it is the refult of moft mature deliberation. Jack. Prithee tell me quickly, for my heart is funk down into the very bottom of my belly. Hab. It is the unanimous opinion of your friends, that you make as if you hanged yourself*; they will give it out that you are quite dead, and convey your body out of prifon iu a bier; and John Bull, being bufied with his law-fuit, will not enquire further into the matter. Jack. How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myfelf? Hab. Nay, you must really haug yourself up, in a true genuine rope, that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the reft to your friends. Jack. Truly this is a matter of fome concern; and my friends, I hope, won't take it ill, if I enquire a little into the means by which they intend to deliver me : a rope and a noose are no jefting matters! Hab. Why fo mistrustful? haft thou ever found us falfe to thee? I tell thee, there is one ready to cut thee down, Jack. May I prefume to ask who it is, that is entrust. ed with fo important an office? Hab. Is there no end of thy how's and thy why's? That's a fecret. Jack, A fecret, perhaps, that I may be fifely trufted with, for I am not like to tell it again. I tell you plainly, it is no ftrange thing for a man, before he hangs himfelf up, to enquire who is to cut bim down. Hab. Thou fufpicious creature! if thou must needs know it, I tell thee it is Sir Roger †: he has been in Confent to the bill against occafional conformity. It was given out, that the Earl of Oxford would oppofe the occafional bill, and fo lose his credit with the tories; the diffenters did believe he would not fuffer it to pafs. and tears tears ever fince thy misfortune. Don Diego and we have laid it fo, that he is to be in the next room, and before the rope is well about thy neck, reft fatisfied, he will break in and cut thee down: fear not, old boy; we'll do it, I'll warrant thee. Jack. So I must hang myself up, upon hopes that Sir Roger will cut me down, and all this upon the eredit of Dou Diego: a fine stratagem indeed to fave my life, that depends upon hanging, Don Diego, and Sir Roger! Hab. I tell thee there is a myflery in all this, my friend, a piece of profound policy; if thou kneweft what good this will do to the common caufe, thy heart would leap for joy: I am fure thou wouldst not delay the experiment one moment. Jack, This is to the tune of all for the better. What's your caufe to me, when I am hanged? Hab. Refractory mortal If thou wilt not truft thy friends, take what follows; know affuredly, before next ful moon, that thou wilt be hung up in chains, or thy quarters perching upon the molt coufpicuous places of the kingdom. Nay, I don't believe they will be conten ted with hanging; they talk of impaling, or breaking on the wheel; and thou chufeft that, before a gentle fufpend ing of thy felf for one minute. Hanging is not fo painful a thing as thou imagineft. I have spoke with feveral, that have undergone it; they all agree it is no manner of uneafinefs: be fure thou take good notice of the fymptoms, the relation will be curious. It is but a kick or two with thy heels, and a wry-mouth or fo: Sir Roger will be with thee in the twinkling of an eye. Jack. But what if Sir Roger fhould not come ; will my friends be there to fuccour me Hab. Doubt it not; I will provide every thing against to-morrow morning; do thou keep thy own fecret; fay nothing: I tell thee, it is abfolutely neceffary for the common good, that thou shouldst go through this ope ration. CHAP. |