66 my good name: I was ever reckoned a good liver " and I think I have the bowels of compaflion. I afk "but justice, and from the crown of my head, to the fole "of my foot, I shall ever acknowledge myself your Wor"fhip's humble fervant."

The Juftice ftared, the landlord and landlady lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while Crambe talked inthis rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begged to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Juftice was convinced; till they fent for the finisher of Luman laws, of whom the corple had been purchafed ; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave oath accordingly.

No fooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a paffion at Crambe. "What Damon, he cried, hath 66 poffeffed thee, that thou wilt never forfake that imper"tinent custom of punning? Neither my counfel nor 66 my example have thus mifled thee; thou governest thyfelf by moft erroneous maxims,' "Far from it, (anfwers Crambe), my life is as orderly as my dictionary, for by my dictionary order my life. I have "made a kalendar of radical words for all the fealons,

66

months, and days of the year: every day I am under "the dominion of a certain word; but this day in par❝ticular I cannot be misled, for I am governed by one "that rules all fexes, ages, conditions, may all animals, 66 rational and irrational. Who is not governed by the "word led? Our noblemen and drunkards are pimp led, ❝phyficians and pulfes tee-led, their patients and oranges "pit-led, a new-married man and an ass are bride-led, “an old-married man and a pack-horse lad-led, cats and "dice are rat led, fwine and mobility are fly-led, a co66 quette and a tinder-box are fpark-led, a lover and a "blunderer are grove-led. And that I may not be tedi"ous' -“Which thou art (replied Martin,ftamping with "his foot) which thou art, I fay, beyond all human tole ❝ration. Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent,

.

unintelligible, unprofitable"-" There it is now (inter"rupted Crambe), this is our day for uns!" Martin could bear no longer however, compofing his countenance, "Come hither (he cried), there are five pounds, feventeen fillings, and nine pence: thou haft been with me

D. 2

"eight:

"eight months, three weeks, two days, and four hours." Poor Crambe,upon the receipt of his falary, fell into tears, flung the money upon the ground, and burst forth in thele words:"O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, it is a "crime I have learned from thee! O Bias, Bias! if to "pn be a crime, bythyexample was I biaffed."-Whereupon Martin (confidering that one of the greatest of oritors, and even a fage of Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and reinftated Crambe in his fervice.

I

CHA P. IX.

How Martinus became a great critic.

T was a moft peculiar talent in Martinus, to convert every trifle into a forious thing, either in the way of life, or in learning. This can no way be better exem plified, than in the effect which the puns of Crambe had on the mind and studies of Martinus, He conceived, that fomewhat of a like talent to this of Crambe, of affembling paralel founds, either fyllables, or words, might conduce to the emendation and correction of antient authors, if applied to their works with the fame diligence and the fame liberty. He refolved to try firft upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence; concluding, that, if the most correct. authors could be fo ferved, with any reputation to the critic, the amendment and alteration of all the reft would cafily follow; where a new, a vaft, nay boundless field of glory would be opened to the true and abfolute critic

This fpecimen on Virgil he has given us, in the adden. da to his notes on the Dunciad. His Terence and Ho race are in every body's hands, under the names of Rich. ard B-ley, and Francis H-re. And we have convin cing proof, that the late edition of Milton,published in the name of the former of thefe, was, in truth, the work of no other than our Scriblerus.

CHAP.

k

СНАР. Х.

Of Martinus's uncommon practice of phyfic, and how he : applied himself to the difeafes of the mind.

BUT

UT it is high time to return to the history of the progrefs of Martinus in the studies of physic, and to enumerate some at least of the many difcoveries and.. experiments he made therein.

One of the first, was his method of investigating latent distempers, by the fagacious quality of fetting dogs and pointers. The fuccefs and adventures that befell him, when he walked with these animals, to finell them out in the parks and public places about London, are what we would willingly relate; but that his own account, toge ther with a lift of those gentlemen and ladies at whom they made a full fet, will be published in time convenient. There will also be added the reprefentation, which, on occasion of one distemper which was become almost epidemical, he thought himfelf obliged to lay before both houfes of parliament, intitled, A propofal for a general flux, to exterminate at one blow the p-x out of this kingdom.

But being weary of all practice on fætid bodies; from a certain nicenefs of conftitution (especially when he at tended Dr Woodward through a twelve months course of vomition), he determined to leave it off entirely, and to apply himself only to diseases of the mind. He attemp ted to find out fpecifics for all the paffions; and as other phyficians throw their patients into fweats, vomits, pur. gations, &c. he caft them into love, hatred, hope, fear, joy, grief, &c. And indeed the great irregularity of the paffions in the English nation, was the chief motive that induced him to apply his whole ftudies, while he conti nued among us, to the difeafes of the mind.

To this purpose he directed, in the first place, his late acquired fill in anatomy. He confidered virtues andvices as certain habits which proceed from the natural formation and structure of particular parts of the body. A bird fles becaufe it has wings, a duck fwims because it is web-footed: and there can be no queftion but the a-duncity of the pounces and beaks of the hawks, as well as

1

the length of the fangs, the fharpnefs of the teeth, and the strength of the crural and maffeter-mufcles * in lions and tygers, are the caufe of the great and habitual immortality of those animals,

1f, He obferved, that the foul and body mutually o perate upon each other; and therefore if you deprive the mind of the outward inftruments whereby fhe ufually ex preffeth that paffion, you will in tiine abate the paffion it. felf, in like manner as eaftration abates luft.

2dly, That the foul in mankind expreffetli every paf fion by the motion of fome particular muscles.

3dy, That all mufcles grow ftronger and thicker by being much used; therefore the babitual paffions may be difcerned in particular perfons by the firength and bigness of the mufcles ufed in the expreffion of that paffion.

4thly, That a mufcle may be (trengthened or weaken ed by weakening or strengthening the force of its antago nift Thefe things premiled, he took notice,

That complaifance, humility, affent, approbation, and civility, were expreffed by nodding the head and bowing the body forward: on the contrary, diffent, diflike, re fufal, pride, and arrogance, were marked by toffing the head, and bending the body backwards: which two paf fions of affent and diffent the Latins rightly expreffed by the words adnuere and abnuere. Now, he observed that compliant and civil people had the flexors of the head very strong; but in the proud and infolent, there was a great overbalance of ftrength in the extenfors of the neck and the mufcles of the back, from whence they perform, with great facility, the motion of teffing, but with great difficulty that of bowing, and therefore have juftly acqui red the title of fiff-necked; in order to reduce fuch per fons to a juft balance, he judged that the pair of mufcles called refli interni, the mastoidal, with other flexors of the head, neck, and body, must be ftrengthened, their antagonists, the fplenii complexi, and the extenfors of the fpine weakened: for which purpofe nature herself feems to have directed mankind to correct this muscular immorality by tying fuch fellow's neck and heels.

Contrary to this, is the pernicious cuftom of mothers,

Μασητήρες μύες,

who

who abošsh the natural fignature of modefty in their daughters, by teaching them ting and bridling, rather than the bafhful pofture of ftooping, and hanging down the head. Martinus charged all husbands to take notice of the pofture of the head of fuch as they courted to matrimony, as that upon which their future happinefs did much depend.

Flatterers, who have the flexor muscles fo ftrong, that they are always bowing aud cringing, he fuppofed might in fome measure, be corrected by being tied down upon a tree by the back, like the children of the Indians; which doctrine was ftrongly confirmed by his obferving the ftrength of the levatores fcapula: this mufcle is cal led the muscle of patience, becaule in that affection of mind, people fhrug and raife up the shoulders to the tip of This muscle alfo he obferved to be exceeding. ly ftrong and large in hen-pecked husbands, in Italians, and in English minifters.

the ear.

In purfuance of this theory, he fuppofed the conftrictors of the eye-lids, must be ftrengthened in the fupercilious, the abductors in drunkards and contemplative men, who have the fame steady and grave motion of the eye. That the buccinators or blowers up of the cheeks, and the dilators of the nofe, were too flrong in choleric people ; and therefore natore here again directed us to a remedy, which was to correct fuch extraordinary dilatation by puiling by the nofe.

The rolling amorous eye, in the paffion of love, might be corrected by frequently looking through glaffes. Impertinent fellows that jump upon tables, and cut ca pers, might be cured by relaxing medicines applied to the calves of their legs, which in fuch people are too ftrong. But there were two cafes which he reckoned extremely difficult. First, Affectation, in which there were fo many mufcles of the bum, thighs, belly, neck, back, and the whole body, all in a falfe tone, that it required an im. practicable multiplicity of applications.

The fecond cafe was immoderate laughter when any of that rifible fpecies were brought to the Doctor, and when he confidered what an infinity of mufcies thefe laughing rafcals threw into a convulfive motion at the fame time; whether we regard the fpafms of the diaphragm

and