and all the muscles of refpiration, the horrible rictus of the mouth, the distortion of the lower-jaw, the crifping of the nofe, twinkling of the eyes, or fpherical convexi ty of the cheeks, with the tremulous fucceffion of the whole human body: when he confidered, I fay, all this, he used to cry-out, Cafus plane deplorabilis! and gave fach patients over.

CHAP. XI.

The cafe of a young Nobleman at court, with the Doctor's: prefcription for the same.

N-eminent instance of Martinus's fagacity in difco

of

cafe of a young Nobleman at court, who was obferved to grow extremely affected in his fpeech, and whimsical in all his behaviour. He began to all odd questions, talk in verle to himself, shut himself up from his friends, and be acceffible to none but flatterers, poets, and pick-pockets; till his relations and old acquaintance judged him to be fo far gone, as to be a fit patient for the Doctor.

As foon as he had heard and examined all the fymp toms, he pronounced his distemper to be love.

His friends affured him, that they had, with great care, obferved all his motions, and were perfectly satisfied there was no woman in the cafe. Scriblerus was as pofitive that he was defperately in love with fome perfon or other. "How can that be," (faid his aunt, who came to ask the advice)" when he converfes almost with none but him. "felf?" Say you fo? he replied, why then he is in love with himself, one of the most common cafes in the world. I am aftonished, people do not enough attend to this difeafe, which has the fame caufes and fymptoms, and admits of the fame cure with the other: especially fince here the cafe of the patient is the more helpless and deplorable of the two, as this unfortunate paffion is more blind than the other. There are people who difcover, from their very youth, a molt amorous inclination to themfelves; which is unhappily nurfed by fuch mothers, as, with their good will, would never fufor the children to

be

46

:

be cruffed in love. Eafe, luxury, and idleness, blow up this flame as well as the other conftant opportunities of converfation with the perfon beloved (the greateft of incentives), are here impoffible to be prevented. Bawds and pimps in the other love, will be perpetually do ing kind offices, fpeaking a good word for the party, and carry about billet-doux: Therefore I afk you, Madam, if this Gentleman has not been much frequented by flatterers, and a fort of people who bring him dedications and verfes? "O Lord! Sir," (quoth the aunt)," the " house is haunted with them." There it is, replied Scriblerus, thefe are the bawds and pimps that go between a man and himself. Are there no civil ladies, that tell him he dreffes well, has a gentlemanly air, and the like? Why truly, Sir, my nephew is not aukward." Look you Madam, this is a misfortune to him: in former days thefe fort of lovers were happy in one respect, that they never had any rivals, but of late they have all the ladies fo. Be pleafed to anfwer a few queftions more. Whom does he generally talk of himself, quoth the aunt.-Whole wit and breeding does he most commend? His own, quoth the aunt.-Whom docs he write letters to Himfelf. Whom does he dream of? All the dreams I ever heard were of himfelt.. Whom is he ogling yonder? Himself in his looking-glafs. Why does he throw back his head in that languishing pofture? Only to be bleft with a fmile of himfelf, as he paffes by. Does he ever fteal a kifs from himself, by biting his lips? Have Oh continually, till they are perfect vermilionyou obferved him to ufe familiarities with any body? With none but himself: he often embraces himself "with folded arms, he claps his hand often upon his "hip, nay, fometimes thrufts it into his breaft.”

Madam, faid the Doctor, all these are ftrong fymptoms; but there remain a few more. Has this amorous gentle. man prefented himfelf with any love-toys; fuch as gold fnuff-boxes, repeating watches, or tweezer-cales? thele are things that in time will foften the most obdurate heart. "Not only fo," (faid the aunt), "but he bought the o"ther day a very fine brilliant diamond-ring for his own "wearing."-Nay, if he has accepted of this ring, the intrigue is very forward indeed,and it is high time for friends

to interpofe Pray Madam, a word or two more is he jealous that his acquaintance do not behave themfelves with refpect enough? will he bear jokes and innocent freedoms?" By no means; a familiar appellation makes him angry; if you shake him a little roughly by the "hand, he is in a rage; but if you chuck him under the "chin, he will return you a box on the ear."-Then the cafe is plain: he has the true pathognomic fign of love, jealoufy; for no-body will fuffer his mistress to be treated at that rate. Madam, upon the whole, this cafe is extremely dangerous. There are fome people who are far gone in this paffion of felf love; but then they keep a very fecret intrigue with themfelves, and hide it from all the world befides. But this patient has not the least care of the reputation of his beloved, he is downright feanda lous in his behaviour with himfelf; he is enchanted, bewitched, and almoft paft cure. However, let the following methods be tried upon him.

Firft, Let him *** Hiatus. *** Secondly, Let him wear a bob-wig. Thirdly, Shun the company of flatterers, nay, of ceremonious people, and of all Frenchmen in general. It would not be amis if he travelled over England in a ftage-coachi, and made the Tour of Holland in a track fcoute. Let him return the fiuff boxes, tweezer cafes (and particularly the diamond-ring) which he has received from binfelf. Let fome knowing friend repre fent to him the many vile qualities of this miftrefs of his : let him be fhewn that her extravagance, pride, and prodi gality, will infallibly bring him to a morfel of bread: let it be proved, that he has been falfe to himself, and if trea chery is not a fufficient caule to discard a mistreis, what is? In fhort, let him he made to fee, that no mortal, befides himself, either loves or can fuffer this creature. Let all looking-glaffes, polifhed toys, and even clean plates be removed from him, for fear of bringing back the admired object. Let him be taught to put off all thofe tender airs, affected fmiles, languishing looks, wanton toffes of the head, coy motions of the body, that mincing gait, foft tone of voice, aud all that enchanting woman-like behaviour, that has made him the charm of his own eyes, and the object of his own adoration. Let him furprize the beauty he adores at a difadvantage, fur.

vey

vey himself naked, divested of artificial charms, and he will find himself a forked ftradling animal, with bandy legs, a fhort neck, a dun hide, and a pot belly. It would be yet better, if he took a strong purge once a-week, in order to contemplate himself in that condition: at which time it will be convenient to make use of the letters, dedications, &c. abovefaid. Something like this has been obferved by Lucretius, and others, to be a powerful remedy in the cafe of women. If all this will not do, I muft even leave the poor man to his deftiny. Let him marry himself, and when he is condemned eternally to himself, perhaps he may run to the next pond to get rid of himself, the fate of most violent felf-lovers.

CHA P. XII.

How Martinus endeavoured to find out the feat of the foul, and of his correfpondence with the Free-thinkers.

IN

this design of Martin, to investigate the diseases of the mind, he thought nothing fo neceffary as an enquiry after the feat of the foul, in which, at firft, he laboured under great uncertainties. Sometimes he was of opinion, that it lodged in the brain, fometimes in the ftomach, and fometimes in the heart. Afterwards he thought it abfurd to confine that fovereign lady to one apartment, which made him infer, that the shifted it according to the feveral functions of life: the brain was her ftudy, the heart her state-room, and the stomach her kitchen. But as he faw feveral offices of life went on at the fame time, he was forced to give up this hypothefis alfo. He now conjectured it was more for the dignity of the foul to perform feveral operations by her little ministers, the animal Spirits, from whence it was natural to conclude, that fhe refides in different parts according to different inclinations, fexes, ages, and profeffions. Thus in Epicurus he feated her in the mouth of the ftomach, philofophers have her in the brain, foldiers in their heart, women in their tongues, fidlers in their fingers, and rope-dancers in their toes. At length he grew fond of the glandula pinealis, diffecting many fubjects to find out the different figure of

this gland, from whence he might difcover the cause of the different tempers in mankind. He fuppofed, that in factious and reftlefs-fpirited people, he should find it sharp and pointed, allowing no room for the foul to repofe herfelf; that in quiet tempers it was flat, fimooth, and soft, affording to the foul, as it were, an eafy cushion. He was confirmed in this by obferving, that calves and phi lofophers, tygers and ftatefmen, foxes and fharpers, pea. cocks and fops, cock-fparrows and coquets, monkeys and players, courtiers and spaniels, moles and mifers, exactly refemble on another in the conformation of the pi neal gland. He did not doubt likewife to find the fame refemblance in highwaymen and conquerors: in order to fatisfy himself in which, it was, that he purchased the body of one of the first species (as hath been before related) at Tyburn, hoping in time to have the happiness of one of the latter too, under his anatomical knife.

We must not omit taking notice bere, that these enquiries into the feat of the foul gave occafion to his first correfpondence with the fociety of Free-thinkers, who were then in their infancy in England, and fo much taken with the promifing endowments of Martin, that they or dered their secretary to write him the following letter.

To the learned Inquifiter into nature, MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS: the fociety of Free-thinkers greeting.

T

Grecian Coffee-Houfe, May 7.

It is with unspeakable joy we have heard of your in

quifitive genius, and we think it great pity that it fhould not be better employed, than in looking after that theological non-entity commonly called the foul: fince, after all your enquiries, it will appear you have lost your labour in feeking the refidence of fuch a chimera, that never had being but in the brains of fome dreaming philo fophers. Is it not demonftration to a perfon of your fenfe, that, fince you cannot find it, there is no fuch thing ? la order to fet fo hopeful a genius right in this matter, we have fent you an answer to the ill-grounded fophifms of thole crack-brained fellows, and likewife an eafy mechanical explication of perception or thinking.

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