Lord, with what improvement? Shine on my soul, while I examine for an answer. Blessed be thy name! I have more faith than last year, I have more power, and my mouth is more open to speak for thee. I ain more deeply convinced of my vileness, which is such as none can conceive. I am also more on stretch for holiness. January 15, Friday night.-This day I set apart as a fast. All the morning I was tossed much with thoughts of temporal difficulties, R. T. being quite unwilling to come into any scheme I can propose. In the afternoon I found more liberty in prayer; I was as in an agony. I said, “Lord, if it can be consistent with thy justice to make such a sinner as I entirely holy, do it! Do it for thy name's sake! Give me once more what thou gavest me at Hoxton. Do it, Lord! in thy own way; I submit myself to any condition; only make and keep me holy.' My life seemed as if it would go from me, and my hands were so strained by the grasp, (which I afterward found they had of each other,) that I could hardly use them for some time. But I did not gain the blessing I wanted. February 6.-Blessed be my adorable Saviour, I am kept from all condemnation I feel I am so born of God, I do not commit sin. But I have not that liberty of soul, that close communion which I want, and believe to be my privilege. O my Saviour, shine more clearly! let me fully enter into the good land! Saturday, February 19.-Glory be to God, I have been kept in peace this week, and my soul seems nearer to God. Yet I do not seem to have got "salvation appointed for walls and bulwarks ;"-I am but a little child. But, "Lord, I am thine, save me." As to my outward affairs, they are not now such a weight, I have cast them on the Lord, and I embrace his will. He, without whom "a sparrow does not fall to the ground," will not leave nor forsake his poor helpless creature. I Monday, 22.-Yesterday was a day of trial. Mr. *** preached at Morley, and then came here. He really grows in grace, and his word is attended with power. was much pained in conversing with him to see the grief of mind occasioned by his attachment. O my God, indulge me in this! Show me some way out of this embarrassment, Saturday, 27.—A solemn day to my soul. I was kept in peace while busy in domestic affairs. Home always agrees with my soul. It is seven weeks to-morrow, since I have been constantly kept as the clay before the potter : yet still how far below my privilege I live! Sunday, September 26.-I did not rise quite in so spiritual a frame as I wished. Lord, let me not lose ground. I was blessed in the meeting afterward ;-and in reading the Essay on Truth, in Mr. Fletcher's Equal Check, page 162. Lord, give me to live in that constant act of faith! It is the very marrow of the Gospel. How delightfully it is distinguished from Antinomian presumption! It has of a truth been food to my soul. In prayer this night I found power to lay open all my troubles before the Lord, and to take fast hold on that word, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.' I cannot tell how to express the power I felt in those words, All these things! I saw Jesus had undertaken my whole cause. December. I feel my faith rather increased. I have this day been examining the state of my soul as to the progress I have made this year, and inquiring of the Lord why I do not grow much faster, and sink into a much deeper acquaintance with God. It appears to me that the reason is, I do not valiantly resist every thought that presents itself, but suffer my eyes to be turned off from my Saviour.-In particular, I lose much time in searching for ways out of my present trials. It seems often a duty to do so; and my mind is carried away, till recalled by that word, "Thou canst not make one hair white or black." February 1, 1775.-I was much blessed at the Wednesday meeting. For some time these words have been with me, "Delight thyself in the Lord, and he will give thee the desire of thy heart." February 28.-I fear my soul has lost ground this month. O what a narrow path do we tread! How true also is that word, Without me ye can do nothing! In the begin. ning of this month I wrote that precious word, Delight thyself in the Lord; but, alas! instead of delight, I feel sorrow of heart! A little time since I had a particular trial with **. What was proposed seemed hard and unreasonable; and I forgot the Christian motto, “Do good, and suffer ill." I got my eye turned off from Jesus, and then I no longer felt the love that never faileth. This deeply wounded me. At night I felt a drop of healing balm, but my spirit remains to this day much discouraged. May. I am a woman of a sorrowful spirit. My affairs are perplexing indeed! Yet something seems to say, It is for an appointed time. But all this I should not regard, if my soul was always filled with love. I sometimes seem to get all obstacles removed, and then I reflect the image of my Saviour, and all is quiet, calm, and peace. Floods of trial do not seem to move me. But though I thus taste of the pure river now and then, I do not abide in the faith, and therefore I do not abide in liberty. May 28. This day I set apart for prayer, to inquire of the Lord, why I am so held in bondage about speaking in public. It cannot be expressed what I suffer-it is known only to God what trials I go through in that re spect. Lord, give me more humility, and then I shall not care for any thing but thee! There are a variety of reasons why it is such a cross. The other day one told me "He was sure I must be an impudent woman; no modest woman, he was sure, could proceed thus." Ah! how glad would nature be to find out-Thou, Lord, dost not require it! Mr. William Bramah observed to-day, "The reason why your witness is not more clear, is because you do not glorify God by believing, and more freely declaring what he hath done for your soul." He spake much on these words, "What things soever ye ask in prayer, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." His words came with power, and my soul got a farther hold on Jesus. I do see that by his death he hath purchased perfect salvation for all who believe; and that we receive it in proportion as we thus believe. "Be it unto you according to your faith," is the word of the Lord. Then I will, I do cast my whole soul on thee! O let me find salvation as walls and bulwarks! September 10, Sunday.-I rose this morning with a sore weight on my mind. It was given out for me to be at D- There was much wind and rain, and the roads were very bad. I feared the journey. I feared also I should have nothing to say when I came there ;-I leared all manner of things. Those words, however, came to my mind, "Take no thought what ye shall say. I then felt myself led to consider these words, "Repent! for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." I found some liberty in speaking from them, and the people were affected. As I was riding back, I clearly saw I was called to stand still; to live the present moment, and always to praise the Lord that his will was done, though I might have much to suffer. I had a clear conviction, God brought me to Yorkshire, and that I had a message to this people: and that notwithstanding the darkness which hung over my situa. tion, I was at present where God would have me. Well then, answered my heart, if I am but in his will I am safe for where the Lord leads me, there he will be my light. September 12, Tuesday.-This day I am thirty-six years old. I have been throughout the day kept in the spirit of prayer. Lord, I offer up myself, body and soul, to thee! It came to me, Thy captivity is long. Well, I will wait thy time, O Lord! November 5, Sunday.--Did not rise early, but was kept recollected. In the morning I was watchful as to words, but at noon I talked too long with A. T. That is an admirable rule of Mr. Wesley's, never to be more than an hour in the same company, where it can be avoided. I also spoke some evil of M. M. by repeating what was not needful. O when shall I know what that meaneth, "He that offendeth not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body." November 12, Sunday.-Went to bed late last night, but in a degree recollected, though rather hurried with fear lest I should lie too long in the morning. When I rose, I found the weather was very severe. However, I went to A. The extreme cold almost took away my senses. Yet we had a comfortable meeting, and many people. January 5, 1776.—I find it very hard to be recollected in private prayer. To-day I tried the following plan with some advantage. I placed my watch on the bed, that I might know when the hour was out. I first strove to consider myself as in the presence of God-as before the throne, worshipping with the heavenly host. Then I strove with recollection to repeat the Lord's prayer, giving each sentence full scope in my mind. In the words, Our Father, I felt a powerful remembrance of Him" after whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named," and with delight I then repeated, Hallowed be thy name! That sentence, Thy kingdom come, was much opened to my soul. I see that kingdom is the great promise of the Father, which Christ said he would send upon his children. That indeed is "the kingdom which suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." As I repeated, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven, I felt "The will of God my sure defence, Nor earth nor hell can pluck me thence." Give us this day our daily bread. Is he not our own Father? Is he not engaged to provide for his babes? Well then, thought I, freedom from debt is more to me than bread, and will he not preserve me from this? It was then brought to my mind, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." In the next petition, Forgive me as I forgive, O! what a cry did I feel for more love! Lord, must I say, "That mercy I to others show, That mercy show to me?" Ah no! I will rather cry out, "Mercy, good Lord! mercy I ask, It is the total sum; For mercy, Lord, is all my plea, "With what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again!" O how would that cut me off from all hope, were it not for those words, "The blood of Jesus cleanseth from all sin!" Lead us not into temptation. How hath this prayer been answered to me! How would I have run into ruin, but thou didst not suffer the temptation to approach. Thou didst keep my powers as with bit and bridle, and conquered for me; and that when I did not strive, or even know my danger. But deliver us from evil. Lord, I am a desolate woman, who hath no helper but thee. O keep me from evil of every kind; "thoroughly purge away my dross, and take away all my tin." For all is thine for ever and ever. This I am assured of, when the soul turns inward to seek the Lord, that moment he turns to it and smiles upon it; and if it abide with him, it will always |