he affirmed that it was a grofs mistake, and that he was never in a fairer way: bring hither the falve, fays he, and give her a plentiful draught of my cordial. As he was applying his ointments, and adminiftering the cordial, the patient gave up the ghoft, to the great confulion of the quack, and the great joy of Bull and his friends. The quack flung away out of the house in great diforder, and wore there was felay, for he was fure his medicis were infallible. ars Bull having died without any figus of repentance or devotion, the clergy would hardly allow her a Christian burial. The relations had once refolved to fue John for the murder, but confidering better of it, and that fuch a trial would rip up old fores, and difcover things not fo much to the reputation of the decea fed, they dropt their defign. She left no will, only there was found, in her strong box, the following words, wrote on a fcrip of paper, My curfe on John Bull, and all my pofterity, if ever they come to any compofition with the Lord Strutt. She left him three daughters, whofe names were Polemia, Difcordia, and Uluria *. CHAP. X. Of John Bull's fecond wife, and the good advice that fe gave him t. JOHN quickly got the better of his grief, and feeing that neither his conftitution, er the affairs of his tamily could permit Eim to live in an unmarried state, he refolved to get him another wife; a coufin of his laft wife's was propofed, but John would have no more of the breed: in short, be wedded a fober country gentle, woman, of a good family, and a plentiful fortune, the reverse of the other in her temper; not but that the loved money; for he was faving and applied her fortune to pay John's clamorous debts, that the unfrugal methods of his last wife, and this ruinous law.fuit, had brought War, faction, and ufury. The new parliament, which was averse to the war, made him into. One day, as fhe had got her husband in a good humour, the talked to him after the following manner. "My dear, fince I have been your wife, I have "obferved great abules and diforders in your family; your fervants are mutinous and quarrelfome, and cheat you moit abominably; your cook-maid is in a combi"nation with your butcher, poulterer, and fith-monger: your butler purloins your liquor, and the brewer fells 66 your hogwash; your baker cheats both in weight and "in tale; even your milk-woman and your nursery-maid "have a fellow feeling; your tailor, instead of threads, "cabages whole yards of cloath; befides, leaving such "long fcores, and not going to market with ready mo66 ney, forces us to take bad ware of the tradefinen at "their own price. You have not pofted your books "these ten years; how is it poffible for a man of bufi"nels to keep his affairs even in the world at this rate? "Pray God this Hocus be honest: would to God you "would look over his bills, and fee how matters ftand "between Frog and you+: prodigious fums are spent "in this law-fuit, and more must be borrowed of feriveners and ufurers at heavy intereft. B. Gides, my "dear, let me beg of you to lay aside that wild project "of leaving your business to turn lawyer, for which, let me tell you, nature never defigned you. Believe me, "thefe rogues do but flatter, that they may pick your "pocket; obferve what a parcel of hungry ragged fel. "lows live by your caufe: to be fure they will never. "make an end of it; I forefee this haunt you have got "about the courts, will one day or another bring your "family to beggary. Confider, my dear, how indecent "it is to abandon your fhop, and follow pettifoggers; "the habit is fo ftrong upon you, that there is hardly "6. a plea between two country efquires about a barrenacre upon a common, but you draw yourself in as bail, "furety or follicitor ‡ John heard her all this while 66 66 * a representation of the mifmanagement in the several offices, particularly thofe for victualing and cloathing the navy and army: † and of the fums that had been expended on the war, 66 66 with patience, till the pricked his maggot, and touched him in the tender point; then he broke out into a violent pallion, "What! I not fit for a lawyer! let me tell you, my clod-pated relations fpoiled the greatest geni"us in the world, when they bred me a mechanic. Lord "Strutt, and his old rogue of a grandûre, have found, "to their cost, that I can manage a law-fuit as well as "another." "I do not deny what you fay," replied Mrs Bull, nor do I call in queftion your parts; but, I "fay, it does not fuit with your circumftances: you and your predeceffors have lived in good reputation among your neighbours by the fame cloathing trade, and it 66 were madness to leave it off. Besides, there are few "that know all the tricks and cheats of thefe lawyers; "does not your own experience teach you, how they "have drawn you on from one term to another, and "how you have danced the round of all the courts, ftill "flattering you with a final iffue, and, for ought I can "fee, your caule is not a bit clearer than it was feven 66 years ago. "I will be damned, fays John, if I accept of any compofition from Strutt, or his grand"father; I will rather wheel about the streets an engine "to grind knives and fciffars; however, I will take "6 your advice, and look over my accounts." 66 WE CHAP. XI. How John looked over his attorney's bill. HEN John fift brought out the bills, the furprize of all the family was inexpreffible at the prodigious dimenfions of them; they would have measured with the best bale of cloath in John's shop. Fees to judges, puny judges, clerks, prothonotaries, philizers, chirographers, under-clerks, proclamators, council, witneties, jury-men, marshals, tipftaffs, cryers, porters; for enrollings, exemplifications, bails, vouchers, returns, ca. veats, examinations, filings of writs, enteries, declarati ons, replications, recordats, noli profequi's, certiorari's, mittimus's, demurrers, fpecial verdicts, informations, feire facias, fuperfedeas, habeas corpus, coacl.-hire, treat ing of witneffes, &c. "Verily," fays John, "there are a prodigious number of learned words in this law; "what a pretty science it is !" "Ay! but husband, 66 you have paid for every fyllable and letter of thefe "fine words; blefs me, what immenfe fums are at "the bottom of the account!" John fpeat feveral weeks in looking over his bills, and, by comparing and ftating his accounts, he difcovered, that, besides the extravagance of every article, he had been egregiously cheated; that he had paid for council that were never fee'd, for writs that were never drawn, for dinners that were never dreffed, and journeys that were never made: in short, that the tradelimen, lawyers, and Frog, had agreed to throw the burden of the law-fuit upon his shoulders. CHAP. XII. How John grew angry, and refolved to accept a compofition; and what methods were practised by the lawyers for keeping him from it. WE ELL might the learned Daniel Burgefs fay, that a law-fuit is a fuit for life. He that fows his grain upon marble, will have many hungry belly before harveft. This John felt by woeful experience. John's caufe was a good milk-cow, and many a man subfitted his family out of it. However, John began to think it high time to look about hin. He had a coulin in the country, one Sir Roger Bold †, whose predeceffors had been bred up to the law, and knew as much of it as any bo dy; but having left off the profeffion for fome time, they took great pleasure in compounding law fuits among their neighbours, for which they were the averfion of the gentlemen of the long robe, and at perpetual war with all the country attorneys. John put his caufe in Sir Roger's When at length peace was thought to be eligible upon more moderate terms, a treaty was entered into by † Robert Harley, afterwards E. of Oxford, who was made treasurer in the stead of the Lord Godolphin, and there was now not only a new parliament, but a new ministry. hands, hands, defiring him to make the best of it: the news had no fooner reached the ears of the lawyers, but they were all in an uproar, They brought all the rest of the tradef men upon John: 'Squire South* fwore he was betrayed, that he would ftarve before he compounded; Frog faid he was highly wronged; even lying Ned the chimneyfweeper, and Tom the duftman, complained, that their intereft was facrificed. The lawyers, folicitors, Hocus, and his clerks, were all up in arms, at the news of the compofition; they abused him and his wife moft (hamcfully. "You filly, aukward, ill-bred, country-fow, quoth one, have you no more manners than to rail at "Hocus, that has faved that clodpated numfkulled nin"6 ny-hammer of yours from ruin, and all his family? "It is well known, how he has rofe early and fat up late "to make him eafy, when be was fotting at every ale"houfe in town. I knew his last wife; he was a woman "of breeding, good humour, and complaifance; knew 66 how to live in the world: as for you, you look like a "" puppet moved by clock-work; your cloaths hang u66 pon you, as they were upon tenter-books, and you 16 come into a room as if you were going to fteal away a "pifs-pot: get you gone into the country to look after 46 your mother's poultry, to milk the cows, churn the "butter, and dress up nofegays for a holy-day, and not "middle with matters, which you know no more of than the fign-poft before your door: it is well known, "that Hocus had an established reputation; he never "fwore an oath, nor told a lie in all his life; he is grate"full to his benefactors, faithful to his friends, liberal "to his dependants, and dutiful to his fuperiors; he values not your money more than the duft under his "feet, but he hates to be abufed. Once for all, Mrs "Mynx, leave off talking of Hocus, or I will pull out "those saucer eyes of yours, and make that red streak "country face look as raw as an ox-cheek upon a butch"er's ftall remember, I fay, that there are pillorics "and ducking ftools." With this away they flung, * The measure was oppofed by the allies and the general. + The house of commons was cenfured as totally ignorant of business. VOL. V. R leaving |