in fix-pences, groats, and three-penny pieces. It would have done your heart good to have feen him charge through an army of lawyers, attornies, clerks, and tradefinen; fometimes with fword in hand, at other times nuzzling like an eel in the mud. When a fellow stuck like a bur, that there was no fhaking him off, he ufed to be mightily inquifitive about the health of his uncles and aunts in the country; he could call them all by their names, for he knew every body, and could talk to them in their own way. The extremely impertinent he would fend away to fee fome ftrange fight, as the dragoa of Hockley in the Hole; or bid him call the 30th of next February. Now and then you would fee him in the kitchen, weighing the beef and butter; paying ready money, that the maids might not run a tick at the market, and the butchers, by bribing of them, fell damaged and light meat. Another time he would flip into the cellar, and gauge the cafks. In bis leilure minutes he was poiting his books, and gathering in his debts. Such frugal methods were neceffary, where money was fo fearce, and dans fo numerous. All this while John kept his credit, could fhew his head both at 'Change and Weltminsterhall; no man protefted his bill, nor refused his bond; only the harpers and the fcriveners, the lawyers and other clerks, pelted Sir Roger as he went along. The fquir ters were at it with their kennel water, for they were mad for the lofs of their bubble, and that they could not get him to mortgage the manor of Bullock's Hatch. Sir Roger fhook his ears, and nuzzled along, well fatisfied with. in himflf, that he was doing a charitable work in rescu ing an honest man from the claws of harpies and bloodfuckers. Mrs. Bull did all that an affectionate wife, and a good housewife could do; yet the boundaries of virtues are indivifible lines; it is impoffible to march up clofe to the frontiers of fiugality, without entering the territories of parfimony. Your good housewives are apt to look into the minuteft things; therefore fome blamed Mrs Bull for new heel piccing of her fhoest, grudging a quarter of * Some regulations as to the purveyance in the Queen's family. t. Too great favings in the houfe of commons. 3 pound of foap and fand to scower the rooms; but efpecily, that the would not allow her maids and apprentices the benefit of John Bunyan *, the London Apprentices, or the Seven Champions in the black letter. CHAP VIH. A continuation of the converfation betwixt John Bull and his wife. IT Mes Ball TT is a moft fad life we lead, my dear, to be fo teiled, paying intereft for old debts, and ftill contracting new ones. However, I do not blame you for vindicating your honour, and chaftizing old Lewis: to curb the infolent, protect the oppreffed, recover one's own, and defend what one has, are good effects of the law: the only thing I want to know, is, how you came L to make an end of finished your your money,. before you fuit. 3. Bull. I was told by the learned in the law, that my fit flood upon three firm pillars; more money for more law, more law for more money, and no compofition. More money for more law, was plain to a demonftration, for who can go to law without money? and it was plain, that any man that has money, may have law for it. The third was as evident as the other two; for what compofition could be made with a rogue, that never kept a word he faid? Mrs Bull. I think you are most likely to get out of this labyrinth by the second door, by want of ready money to purchase this precious commodity; but you feem not only to have bought too much of it, but have paid too dear for what you bought; elfe, how was it poffible to run fo much in debt, when, at this very time, the yearly income of what is mortgaged to thofe ufurers, would difcharge Hocus's bills, and give you your bellyfull of law for all your life, without running one fix pence in debt? You have been bred up to bufinefs; 1 fuppofe you can cypher; I wonder you never used your pen and ink. * Restraining the liberty of the prefs by act of parliament. 3. Bull 7. Bull. Now you urge me too far; prithee, dear wire, hold thy tongue. Suppofe a young heir, heedlefs, raw, and unexperienced, full of spirit and vigour, with a favourite paffion, in the hands of money fcriveners: fuch fellows are like your wire drawing mills; if they get hold of a man's finger, they will pull in his whole body at last, 'till they squeeze the heart, blood, and guts out of him. When I wanted money *, half a dozen of these fellows were always waiting in my anti-chamber with their fecurities ready drawn. I was tempted with the ready, fome farm or other went to pot. I received with one hand,. and paid it away with the other to lawyers, that like fo many hell-hounds were ready to devour me. Then the rogues would plead poverty, and fcarcity of money, which always ended in receiving ninety for the hundred. After they had got poffeffion of my beft rents, they were e able to fupply me with my own money. But what was worfe, when I looked into the fecurities, there was no claufe of redemption. Mrs Bull. No clause of redemption, fay you? that's hard. 7. Bull. No great matter, for I cannot pay them. ` They had got a worse trick than that; the fame man bought and fold to himfelf, paid the money, and gave the acquittance; the fame man was butcher and grafier, brewer and butler, cook and poulterer. There is fomething ftill worse than all this; there came twenty bills upon me at once, which I had given money to discharge; I was like to be pulled to pieces by brewer, butcher, and baker; even my herb woman dunned me as I went along the streets. (Thanks to my friend Sir Roger, elfe I mult have gone to goal.). When I asked the meaning of this, I was told, the money went to the lawyers; counsel won't tick, Sir; Hocus was urging: my book-keeper fat fot-: ting all day, playing at put and all-fours: in fhort, by y griping ufurers, devouring lawyers, and negligent fervants, I am brought to this pafs.. Mrs Bull. This was hard ufage! but methinks, the ‹ leaft reflection might have retrieved you.. ment, Methods of preying upon the neceffities of the govern~; J. Bull. It is true: yet confider my circumstances; my honour was engaged, and I did not know how to get out; befides, I was for five years often drunk, always muddled; they carried me from tavern to tavern ; to alehoufes and brandy-fhops, and brought me acquainted with fuch ftrange dogs!" There goes the prettiest fel "low in the world *, fays one, for managing a jury; make him yours. There's another can pick you up witnes fes: ferjeant fuch a one has a filver tongue at the << bar." I believe, in time, I should have retained every fingle perfon within the inns of court. The night after a trial, I treated the lawyers, their wives and daughters, with fiddles, hautboys, druins, and trumpets. I was always hot-headed; then they placed me in the middle, the attornies and their clerks dancing about me, whoop. ing, and hollowing, Long live John Bull, the glory and Support of the law! Mrs. Bull. Really, Hufband, you went through a very notable courfe. 3. Bull. One of the things that first alarmed me, was, that they fhewed a fpite † against my poor old mo•. ther. "Lord, quoth I, what makes you so jealous of a "6 poor, old, innocent gent'ewoman, that minds only her prayers, and her practice of piety: fhe never med"dles in any of your concerns? Foh, fay they, to fee a handsome, brisk, genteel, young fellow, fo much"governed by a doating old woman! why don't you go and fuck the bubby? Do you confider fhe keeps you "out of a good jointure? She has the best of your eftate fettled upon her for a rent-charge: hang her, old thief, "turn her out of doors, feize her land, and let her go "to law if he dares." "Soft and fair, gentlemen, "quoth I; my mother's my mother; our family "are not of an unnatural temper. Though I don't "take all her advice, I won't feize her jointure; long 66 may The enjoy it, good woman; I don't grudge it her, fhe allows me now and then a brace of hun "dreds for my law fuit; that's pretty fair." About this time the old gentlewoman fell ill of an odd fort of a dif * Hiring ftill more troops. temper temper*; it began with a coldness and numb'dness in her limbs, which by degrees affected the nerves (I think the phyficians call them), feized the brain, and at last ended in a lethargy. It betrayed itself at first in a fort of indifference and carelessnefs in all her actions, coldness to her best friends, and an averfion to ftir or go about the common offices of life. She, that was the cleanlieft creature in the world, never shrunk now, if you fet a closeftool under her nofe. She, that would fometimes rattle off her fervants pretty sharply, now, if the faw them drink, or heard them talk profanely, never took any notice of it. Instead of her ufual charities to deferving per fonst, the threw away her money upon roaring, fwearing bullies and beggars, that went about the streets." What "is the matter with the old gentlewoman, faid every "body, she never used to do in this manuer?" At laft the distemper grew more violent, and threw her downright into raving fits; in which the fhreeked out fo loud, that the disturbed the whole neighbourhood. In her fits The called upon Sir William: "Oh! Sir William ||, "thou haft betrayed me! killed me! ftabbed me! fold 66 me to the cuckold of Dover-street! See, fee, Clum "with his bloody knife! feize him, feize him, stop << him! Behold the fury with her biffing fnakes! "Where's my fon John! Is he well, is he well! poor 66 man, I pity him;" and abundance more of fuch strange ftuff, that no-body could make any thing of. I knew little of the matter; for when I enquired about her health, the answer was, "that he was in a good mo. derate way." Phyficians were fent for in baite: Sir Roger, with great difficulty, brought Ratcliff; Garth came upon the firft meffage. There were feveral others called in; but, as ufual upon fuch occafions, they differ. ed ftrangely at the confultation. At laft they divided into two parties, one fided with Garth, the other with Rat* Careleffness in forms and discipline. + Difpofing of fome preferments to libertine and unprincipled perfons. The too violent clamour about the danger of the church. Sir William, a cant name of Sir Humphrey's, for Lord Treafurer Godolphin. |